Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Big Exciting News

Somewhere in the world there's some ... here, not so much.

Class ended tonight. Final exam Friday night, which means instead of a hot date, I'll be hanging out with a bunch of dork MBA-candidates just like me. Because having an exam is the reason I don't have a hot date on a Friday night. No other reason. None. Shut up.

I get all of 3 days off before the next summer session starts. I'll take my old textbooks over to the bookstore to receive 12 cents for selling them back. I'll then shell out another $120 (minus the 12 cents, w00h00!) to rent all new (used) textbooks for a month. Good times, good times.

My home has been overrun with mosquitoes and I can't figure out where they're all coming from. I killed 6 in the downstairs bathroom in one day last week and I noticed larvae in the bowl (I obviously don't use the downstairs bathroom very often- though I try to keep it clean in case Jeanette were to drop by). I took aim, flushed, then spritzed everything with bleach for good measure. They're not breeding in the commode anymore, but they're still getting into the house. I just killed one up here that was so full of my blood that I actually heard it pop. So, more cleaning.

But all is not dismal in the land of tinyhanded people. I was in the Village yesterday (sans hemp garments- dare I?) to restock on wing sauce & leisure-reading books. "The Last Samurai" and "The Art of Happiness". Book reviews forthcoming.

As for right now, I have to get caught up on 7 chapters of Production & Operations Management before 4pm Friday ... Resume dismal subsistence.

Monday, June 27, 2005

Dear Sick Bastard,

Kill yourself. You, the completely worthless piece of shit using BellSouth DSL in Atlanta, GA who found my blog by searching for child pornography. I know this because SiteMeter recorded all the details at 11:28am Eastern, including the search terms you used in your Yahoo search, which I have sent to BellSouth, and the Federal and Georgia Bureaus of Investigation. I hope they find you before the parents of some molested and exploited child do, but save everyone the trouble and kill yourself. Put a bullet in your brain, drink battery acid, bathe with the toaster, handful of pills- it really doesn't matter. You are no longer required. Give Hitler our warmest regards.
Everyone else.

Sunday, June 26, 2005

Top Ten

I ran out of time today, so you get a pathetic top ten list...

Top Ten Embarassing Keychain Fobs To Hand To A Valet Attendant:

10. Tire Iron
9. Western Riding Saddle
8. Fig Newton ™
7. Contact Lens
6. Prosthetic Arm
5. Solar-Powered Purse-Warmer
4. One sock (the other sock got lost in the dryer)
3. Sweet Potato / Yam (tie)
2. Ceiling Fan
1. Diaphragm

Thursday, June 23, 2005

Non sequitur

Whoever came up with the saying "no news is good news" is an asshole. Hey, stupid-saying-guy: Go jump in the lake.

I wonder if she thinks about me half as much as I think about her. I've tried to make myself findable in case she ever comes looking for me, but it doesn't seem to be working, since I can't find me. Could I possibly narrow-down which her I'm thinking about for you? Well, yeah, but that might eliminate the other two. The simplest solution, which is probably the right one, is to stop thinking about any of them altogether. Written down, that looks like too many words. Stop thinking. Stop.

All the time, our customers ask us, "How do you make money doing this?" The answer is simple: Volume. That's what we do.

I've said before that she makes me think about things. I often wonder if I make her think about things. Come to think of it, that seems like an awful lot of thinking and wondering. But, although not necessarily for her, she makes me want to be a better man.

So what if I stole that quote? All of a sudden you can't steal quotes? What's next, you can't burn the flag? Oh, wait ... I don't want to get too far off topic here (and congratulations if you have a clue what the topic is) and I hate blogging about stuff in the media (because opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one) but what exactly is the message you're trying to send by burning the flag? I'm all for upholding free speech, but what exactly is the message here? Wouldn't it be just as effective in getting your point across by burning Bald Eagles in the name of free speech? (Ed. Note: Don, Glenn, Joe, Timothy, and the other Don still have hair...nice try. Bernie's bald, but he quit so he don't count. Oh look, there goes the point.)

And I told her, I don't care if you and grandpa have been married for 5 or 50 years, I'm not going to jail for you. We're not that close.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

of the Day

Alcoholic DrinkIrish Whiskey
CologneAcqua di Gio
ColorMedium Blue
DeityAmaterasu (Shinto)
Hair ProductAussie MEGA Styling Spray
Helpless Baby Wild AnimalMexican Free-tailed Bat (saw another one tonight)
LetterU (vowel) / V (consonant)
Lightbulb60W Incandescent, Frosted White
Non-Alcoholic DrinkGatorade Orange
Paper FastenerStaple / Binder Clip (tie)
Prosthetic LimbArm
SightFull moon over Transco Tower
SmellWarm sewage
SongYou Can Leave Your Hat On - Tom Jones
SoupChicken w/Stars
Stevie Ray Vaughan Guitar SoloTightrope
SushiCaterpillar (roll) / Maguro (nigiri)
TasteNong Shim Sweet Potato Flavored Snack
ToothpasteCrest Whitening Plus Scope
UtensilSoup Spoon

Sunday, June 19, 2005


I feel bad. Like a bad host, I've neglected to invite you all to Houston for a visit. Be aware that the weather is now GODAWFULHOT, so leave the parka at home. Bikini's are appropriate (for everyone except Mike - I'm serious dammit!). Now that it's hot it's going to stay hot, and that means Houston smells like WARM sewage.

Except on Sunday nights. I love to go for a walk around my neighborhood on a Sunday evening, since it smells like Bounce and/or Snuggle (when all the other condo-dwellers do laundry). So if you're coming, make sure you're here for the weekend.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I never shoplifted the pootie

Judging by the success of Doctors Without Borders, I've decided to spend some of my considerable wealth sponsoring a similar program, but with a much expanded scope. Attached are some of the diary entries from the most recent expedition to a tiny village in the Brazilian rainforest...

Laywers Without Borders
We've arrived in the rainforest after a dreadful trip upriver that seemed to take forever. When we arrived, we quickly discovered that this tribe had no concept of ownership. My colleagues and I were able to separate the tribes goods on a first-come, first-served basis. Shortly thereafter it was discovered that two of the younger tribesmen had horded all the hunting spears and that the older tribesmen had nothing to eat. Fortunately we established a series of courts and processes by which the older tribesmen were able to sue for their rightful possessions. My colleagues and I are very happy to have brought order to the chaos. We intend to introduce pre-nuptual agreements and wills on the next trip.

Accountants Without Borders
Arriving in this primitive village has certainly been an eye-opener for me. Trying to get organized, I asked one of the tribal elders if I could audit their records. I was amazed to learn that they had neither formal nor informal records. I quickly established a system with which they could tally the goats, pigs, and chickens to quickly take inventory. One of the tribe, Irritado Parcela, asked if he could just look out the hut to see that the 6 goats, 2 pigs, and 5 chickens are still there. I'm not sure he grasps the idea of auditing yet, which I intend to introduce on a future trip along with some tax-avoidance strategies.

Eskimos Without Borders
Holy CRAP it's hot here! I haven't seen a single bit of ice or snow since the flight into São Paulo. I also haven't seen a single seal, and my stomach is grumbling. What am I doing here? Back home we have 200 different words for snow, and after this trip I'm bringing home almost as many words for mosquito.

Ninjas Without Borders
Killed lawyers, accountants, eskimos, and tribespeople all on the first day. Now nothing to do until the boats return in 2 weeks. Must remember to pace myself on the next trip or bring a good book. Wife keeps suggesting The DaVinci Code.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Baby did a bad bad thing

I wrecked my car. I shot some gangsters ("yes, but they were all bad"). I ran over a cop. I delivered hos in my new pimpmobile. I stole guns from a National Guard depot.

Yes, I've been playing Grand Theft Auto - San Andreas. My grades will suffer. My few remaining personal connections will suffer. My mother's phone calls will go unanswered and she will start calling the local hospitals. Most importantly, my blogging will suffer.

Today was an average day. I slept well into the Hawaiian Standard Time Zone. I made a pot of Italian sausage spaghetti for my mid-afternoon lunch. I drove out to the Hong Kong market for gyoza, edamame, and other frozen delectables not available at the white people's grocery store. I had left over Colonel Chicken (Jack: "We can't afford that!" Alex: "Enjoy it, it might be our last...") for my late evening dinner, followed by a trip to the white people's grocery store for the rest of the goodies. I tried to watch the midnight show of Collateral on HBO-HD but my usually flawless cable went out 30 minutes into it. A little bit of reading and a lot of playing thrown in between all of that and you have a day in the life.

A few follow-on paragraphs have been written here and deleted. Don't worry about it, I wasn't talking bad about you.

Monday, June 13, 2005


You can't undo a touch, taste, smell, sound, or sight.
You can't undo a thought, or a memory.
You can't undo a dream, a hope, or a wish.
You can't undo the time that has passed.
You can't undo a smile, a purr, or a wag of the tail.
You can't undo a wink, a flirt, a hug, or a kiss.
You can't undo a friend or a lover.
You can't undo the time that is passing.
You can't undo what you know, what you've learned.
You can't undo a fight, even if you're wrong.
You can't undo the distance from here to there.
You can't undo the time that must first pass.


Friday, June 10, 2005


It's the weekend, and judging by past weekends this will hardly get read but that's not exactly the point. The point is that I'm still breathing ... and eating, sleeping, and every other bodily function. Ok, most of 'em. I haven't gone out to the garage and started up the car with the garage door closed but, as I'm fond of saying, the day ain't over yet. I am trying so hard not to think about her, but I say "goodnight" to her when I turn out the lights and then mentally tuck her in. It's my version of saying my prayers at night. If she'd just come and find me she'd know all this and we could get on with the getting on. Nevermind.

Summer school is harder than I had counted on, and I'm glad I didn't sign up for the second class I'd be taking right now. It's not 'technically' hard, but it's 4 hours a night in a freezing cold classroom twice a week. I've got 250 pages to read and write a book report on by Wednesday, an essay to read & report on for Monday, plus the regular textbook chapters to keep up with. And I am terminally unemployable. What's that you say? You've got troubles in your life too? I thought I was the only one.

I make the world's best sausage pizza though. Come get a slice, there's extra.

Rise up this mornin'
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true
Sayin' "This is my message to you:"
Singin' "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright."
Singing "Don't worry about a thing,
'Cause every little thing gonna be alright."

-Three Little Birds, Bob Marley

Update: As of 1:30pm local time, the pizza is gone. If you're coming, let me know and I'll bake another one fresh for you. It's better fresh anyway.

Sunday, June 05, 2005


Warning: This story does not have a happy ending...

It was recently suggested to me that if I want to meet women I should get a dog and start hanging out at the local dog park. It was a reasonable suggestion I suppose, so I figured I'd sit down and figure out all the details. Now, since I'm practically homeless myself, I needed to get around the problem of the costs associated with a dog. There's the upfront fees, plus ongoing care and maintenance, not to mention possible very expensive veterinary bills. Since none of my neighbors have dogs, nor do I have any family within a reasonable distance (a blessing, but I digress), borrowing a dog isn't possible. So I figured I'd rent one for a couple hours.

I don't know anyone off the top of my head that rents dogs, so I did what any ordinary person would do, I surfed the web. I entered my search terms in Google and found a local company that rents the canine species. I'm a dog person by nature and maybe I was a little too eager to rent a pooch and hit the park, so I might have skimmed over the words "attack dog" and "guard dog".


The comments lately have suggested I should try to put a positive spin on things, so I'll spin it and say it worked like a charm- It was dates I wanted, and dates I got. Court dates. In my world, every silver cloud has a dark lining and this instance is no different. The woman wouldn't give me her name or number, but all the paperwork says "Plaintiff" so maybe she's related to my ex.

Thursday, June 02, 2005


I've been trying to write a very deeply emotional and meaningful post entitled "My First Time" but I've really been struggling to find the right words. Honestly. I'm still working on it, so I'll just give you some drivel until then...

Summer school started up last night. This is going to suck a golfball through a garden hose. It'll suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. That armadillo was so huge it sucked my truck dry! Wait, where was I? School...

5 weeks, and since the Memorial Day holiday used up one of our class days, we have to make it up. This Friday night, from 6-10pm. Kill me. Kill me now. As if I've got anything better to do. Right, kill me. Kill me now. And we have our first exam next week. I need a drink- Bourbon, rocks.

Other exciting new developments in my life ... This concludes the "exciting new developments" segment.

Right here in the Tinyhands Fun Labs we've invented a new game: Frankenstein Fridays. Play it in your own office or at home. It's easy, here's how: Just drop parts of speech, as though you're Frankenstein. The last person to shout "FIRE BAD!" has to do something indicative of losing the game.

Example 1: Around noon, gather your co-workers and say "We go lunch." The last person to shout "FIRE BAD!" has to buy.

Example 2: At the end of the day- "Time go home." Again, the last person to shout "FIRE BAD!" buys the first round at happy hour.

Example 3: If it's just you and the spouse at home, maybe after dinner you'll say "Food good." If the spouse doesn't shout "FIRE BAD!" he or she has to pony up the first backrub.

Have LOTS of fun experimening with your own challenges and rewards.