as told to (your name here)

Day 555

Last weekend marked 18 months, which feels like a milestone. I was distracted by family events, so I didn't sit around moping. I've got 51 other weekends out of the year to do that. I don't know what the point of recognizing milestones is if nothing's changed.

I created a new profile on the dating site where we met, but I kept it hidden because I didn't want anyone to find it. I didn't post any pictures but I wrote a little something about myself. And I set up my search criteria.

I've been watching a youtube advice/counseling channel. That guy started dating after only 4 months. I know it's different for everyone, but that just seems wrong. He's LDS, so I know he believes a lot of other nonsense too. Grain of salt.

I was just looking, thinking that maybe someday I could say hi. Then a profile appeared that I can't stop thinking about. That made me genuinely panic.

Sure, there's guilt and anxiety. The panic is from a reality I hadn't considered. There's a little matter of about 50 lbs. I started intermittent fasting but I want the pill.

Youtube-guy says some of the red flags to watch out for are keeping you a secret, constantly comparing you to her, and shrines. Check, check, and check. I don't need to keep it a secret, I know they'd be supportive. I just don't want them to do something they think is for my own good. The shrines thing is hard because it's not necessarily literal, but I still have closets full of clothes, shoes, expensive purses.

People say to me that it's OK when I'm ready. I don't ask for this advice. People start conversations with that. I could do all the stuff but that's not what makes you ready. A garage sale doesn't make you ready.

And I can't stop thinking about that profile. It's open in another tab right now. It's been a few weeks since it appeared, so I'm sure I missed my chance. I kind of want to say thanks for making me realize I wasn't ready but I want to be someday so I'm going to do the other things. What a fucked up opener that would be. I wouldn't ask her to wait. I still might run out of time before I finish.

posted by tinyhands @ 6:20 PM