Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Safe words

BadBeth's comment on my last entry reminded me to publish a warning to all you kids watching at home: Learn from my mistake and don't choose an ex-lover's name as your safe word. When you're shouting out someone else's name, it's only going to encourage your current partner to whip you harder!

The exception to the rule is when you're cheating with a married partner. Your safe word probably should be the other person's spouse. Any of the following are also acceptable:
- Shotgun
- Machete
- Divorce lawyer

(Feel free to leave your favorite safe words in the comments. I may not be able to look you in the eye ever again, but that's only because you disgust me. Don't take it personally.)

Monday, June 16, 2008


"One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to."
-Alexander Solzhenitsyn

Friday, June 13, 2008


Despite warnings from the two most lumberjacky people I know, my ex-girlfriend and my mother, I had an accident with the chainsaw today: My left leg is off, just above the knee. I don't want to bother with the emergency room, so I'm just pressing a tissue on it until it clots. On the bright side, my hair is as soft as Japanese silk.

I had a second, somewhat less critical, accident as well. In the sleepy light of the morning I reached for a, shall we say, love lubricant. However, I grabbed a tube of self-tanning moisturizer instead. Let me just say this, ladies, if you ever wanted a transracial experience from the safety of a white guy with tiny hands (*wink, wink*) you should call me quickly, as I'm told it will fade in 4-5 days. But you know what they say: Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'... You seen 'Porgy and Bess?'

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

I do not think it means what you think it means.

"He that goeth about to persuade a multitude that they are not so well governed as they ought to be shall never want attentive and favourable hearers." -Richard Hooker, 1594

Monday, June 09, 2008

Syntax error

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you
-e e cummings

Friday, June 06, 2008


What if this is all there is?

If this is all there is, I probably won't ever make it back to Japan, China, Ireland, or France. I may never make that big trip that I always planned to Vienna, Prague, and Budapest or the other big trip to Morocco, Tunisia, and Egypt. I have no idea if I'll ever make any one of the smaller trips I'd love to make, such as to Peru, Vietnam, or Montreal. It's unlikely that I'll learn more than a few words in another language. I probably won't ever buy a bigger home, a bigger car, or bigger shoes. I doubt I'll ever be a CEO, CIO, or CFO, let alone a CPA, CFA, or CFP. I don't think I'll ever grow a beard. I may never be well-known and I'll never know if I've been missed. I'll probably never hold my own child.

If this is all there is, I'll go to work 5 days a week and come home at the end of the day. I'll try to exercise more and eat less. At least every other week I'll eat sushi at my neighborhood bar, where I'm a regular. I'll cook a fancy dinner for myself either Saturday or Sunday, and then I'll do the dishes. I'll probably eat in front of the tv, watch for a bit more, then crawl into bed with a book for 30 minutes or so before turning out the lights. I'll eventually get my patio the way I want it and "finish" decorating my home. Every couple of months, I'll drive up to my parents cabin in the Hill Country, stopping for BBQ in one small town and pastries in another. Once in a while I'll go out to a club to hear a band, or I might even go see a movie. For birthdays & Christmas, I'll lavish embarassingly large gifts on my nephews and niece. I'll also give my sister's kids candy, get them all riled up, and send them home. I suppose life will go on.

But if there's more...