as told to (your name here)

Oops

Despite warnings from the two most lumberjacky people I know, my ex-girlfriend and my mother, I had an accident with the chainsaw today: My left leg is off, just above the knee. I don't want to bother with the emergency room, so I'm just pressing a tissue on it until it clots. On the bright side, my hair is as soft as Japanese silk.

I had a second, somewhat less critical, accident as well. In the sleepy light of the morning I reached for a, shall we say, love lubricant. However, I grabbed a tube of self-tanning moisturizer instead. Let me just say this, ladies, if you ever wanted a transracial experience from the safety of a white guy with tiny hands (*wink, wink*) you should call me quickly, as I'm told it will fade in 4-5 days. But you know what they say: Once you have a man with no legs, you never go back, baby. I know what you're thinkin'... You seen 'Porgy and Bess?'

posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM