Wednesday, June 15, 2005

I never shoplifted the pootie

Judging by the success of Doctors Without Borders, I've decided to spend some of my considerable wealth sponsoring a similar program, but with a much expanded scope. Attached are some of the diary entries from the most recent expedition to a tiny village in the Brazilian rainforest...

Laywers Without Borders
We've arrived in the rainforest after a dreadful trip upriver that seemed to take forever. When we arrived, we quickly discovered that this tribe had no concept of ownership. My colleagues and I were able to separate the tribes goods on a first-come, first-served basis. Shortly thereafter it was discovered that two of the younger tribesmen had horded all the hunting spears and that the older tribesmen had nothing to eat. Fortunately we established a series of courts and processes by which the older tribesmen were able to sue for their rightful possessions. My colleagues and I are very happy to have brought order to the chaos. We intend to introduce pre-nuptual agreements and wills on the next trip.

Accountants Without Borders
Arriving in this primitive village has certainly been an eye-opener for me. Trying to get organized, I asked one of the tribal elders if I could audit their records. I was amazed to learn that they had neither formal nor informal records. I quickly established a system with which they could tally the goats, pigs, and chickens to quickly take inventory. One of the tribe, Irritado Parcela, asked if he could just look out the hut to see that the 6 goats, 2 pigs, and 5 chickens are still there. I'm not sure he grasps the idea of auditing yet, which I intend to introduce on a future trip along with some tax-avoidance strategies.

Eskimos Without Borders
Holy CRAP it's hot here! I haven't seen a single bit of ice or snow since the flight into São Paulo. I also haven't seen a single seal, and my stomach is grumbling. What am I doing here? Back home we have 200 different words for snow, and after this trip I'm bringing home almost as many words for mosquito.

Ninjas Without Borders
Killed lawyers, accountants, eskimos, and tribespeople all on the first day. Now nothing to do until the boats return in 2 weeks. Must remember to pace myself on the next trip or bring a good book. Wife keeps suggesting The DaVinci Code.


At 7:19 AM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...


What about politicians without borders?

At 7:52 AM, Blogger Allie said...

everytime i think i'm out .... you pull me back in.

well done.

At 9:19 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

Ninjas....Is there anything they can't do?

At 12:13 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

ESC- We've already got Politicians Without Borders. (see also: Iraq, Afghanwhigistan, England)

#3$$- I'm funny how? Funny like a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?

Jeth- They cure split ends and athlete's foot. They eliminate static cling and get your whites whiter. They prevent tooth decay and help grow bigger bountiful vegetables in your garden. I love 'em too. (FYI- Dreamed about you last night...)

At 1:01 PM, Blogger PDgirl said...

Hey!! I didn't like that lawyers without borders bit. >:(

and I LOVE that tite line, because that movie is hilarious as well. Just like you!

At 5:06 PM, Blogger Tasty said...

BWAHAHAH! Superb entry.

At 10:42 AM, Blogger Mike said...

Well done, grasshoppper.

At 11:29 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

I'm afraid to ask...

At 11:58 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

You did too shoplift the pootie.

At 12:07 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Aide- You're not a lawyer yet. You're not even in law school yet. I can still make fun of them.

Tasty/Mike- *curtsy*

Jeth- Nahh, nothing weird. Went to bed with a backache, dreamt about chiropractic massage, woke up with a backache. You're fired.

Z- You had me at "grow the fuck up."

At 12:05 PM, Blogger Brighton said...

Bwahahahahaha! Loved this!


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