Monday, May 30, 2005

Oh the humanity!

I was recently told I resemble 'Ross' from the TV series Friends. Of course I don't see the resemblance, and I kind of figured myself a 'Chandler' instead. But I had a Ross experience the other day- Bad flirting. I went to Central Market, the fancy grocery store down the street, since they're the only ones who carry the really good springrolls and I needed some. I was browsing the aisles, loading my cart with more expensive shit than I can rightly afford, when I hit the granola-bins. You've seen these in your grocery store: The self-serve bins of granola, nuts, carob malted milk balls, and semolina flour. Central Market has a huge department of this self-serve stuff, and I really like the toasted pumpkin seeds. But they were out, so I bought half a pound of cornnuts instead. (If you've never had cornnuts, they're giant toasted corn kernels that taste like the duds at the bottom of your popcorn bag. Yum!) So I brought my springrolls, cornnuts, butterkase cheese, croissants, and tarragon chicken salad up to the counter to get rung up. It was getting late in the evening and it was pretty empty in there so I made chit chat with the girl as she's scanning my items. She picks up the bag of cornnuts and playfully asks me, "You really eat these?" Now, we weren't exactly flirting, but I always make an effort to be "cute" whenever possible. However, I said the first thing that popped into my head (bad sign, right there).

It's worth pausing here for emphasis, because when the bad-flirting kicks in, we should observe a moment of silence for my dignity ...

"Yeah. You know, I just can't get enough corn in my stool."

And then I got the blank stare you're giving me right now through your monitor. (I know you are, I can see it.) She finished scanning my items and couldn't even verbalize the total amount I owed. She just pointed to the monitor. I think her lips moved, but I'm positive no sound came out. My neck realized the fuckup first and swung my head down towards my feet, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I just swiped my card and got the hell out of there as quickly as possible.


At 3:01 AM, Blogger mellancollyeyes said...

Why on earth are you upset about this?! Had I been the girl behind the counter, I would have laughed my ass off and then lunged across the electronic belt to make out with you. WHO DOESN'T appreciate a good poop joke? But maybe if you are upset about this and the girl clearly wasn't digging it either, perhaps I should pause and wonder if poop jokes really are as entertaining and witty as I imagine them to be...

Damnit. Now I have to mull this poop joke bizness over in my head as I walk to the store to get some cornnuts, because goodness knows I need some of them now!

At 5:57 AM, Blogger Badaunt said...

I did the blank stare, but that was because I was trying to figure out the Spoonerism. It sounds so much like a Spoonerism it's kind of disappointing that it isn't one. But 'cool in my storn' doesn't make sense.

Sorry. I would have disappointed you, too.

At 9:08 AM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...


1. bulk corn nuts? how deliciously white trashy!

2. some people just don't appreciate a good sense of humor. ignore them. they will perish during the revolution.

3. DO kind of look like Ross...huh!

At 9:36 AM, Blogger Kate the Peon said...

Oh, Tiny. Thank you for sharing with us your tale of woe.

At 10:05 AM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

you poor corny fool.

"you know the smell that gas has, ........ they PUT IT THERE"

At 11:17 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

That is too funny. I couldn't have said it better myself.

At 1:17 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

aide- Oh, I'm not upset. But before I noticed her reaction, my first thought was "Stool? Maybe I should have said poop."

Theic- I'm nowhere near clever enough to do that intentionally.

ESC- You say you want a revolution? Don't you know that you can count me out. In.

KTp- My pleasure. My dignity is at your disposal.

#3Moo- I'm just saying, I happen to like 8 year old boys.

Z- Central Market is so high-falutin' anyway. I should be flirting with the gals at Fiesta instead.

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Zelda said...

They are more accessible.

At 4:19 PM, Blogger April said...

Well, on the plus side, being able to laugh at yourself IS pretty sexy, so there is that...?

At 9:31 PM, Blogger Ann said...

~ turns red ~ * BIG LAUGH * Oh my GAWD! of all words!!!!

At 11:30 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Z- Lucky me. :|

Miss April- If I didn't know better I'd think you were flirting with me. *blush*

Anniana- That one translated ok? Oh good.

At 2:10 AM, Blogger Jammie J. said...

I do believe this is a first for me, my friend. If I had been drinking any sort of fluid, it would have spewed all over my keyboard.

I'm so counting my blessings right how. The first of which, my mouth was dry.

At 11:49 AM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

at least to see her again you only have to go back and buy more bulk corn nuts (thats was a frightening phrase)

instead of 11 pizzas.

At 4:33 PM, Blogger me said...


(people who make faces out of keyboard strokes are just as bad as people who make stool jokes.)

At 11:45 PM, Blogger lucidkim said...

that's hilarious - yeah, if she didn't laugh, you don't want her anyway. :) kim

At 7:07 AM, Blogger The Tart said...

Very funny... I would have paid money to see that!

Personally, I think I would have had & even stranger, ya know... oh, maybe not.. I would have just fallen on the ground and laughed!

So you look like Ross, but think U R more like Chandler... great combo. AND I think there is some FUN-KNEE Joey in there too, natch!

SMooch your spinning leafy,
The Tart


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