as told to (your name here)

Day 730

 

posted by tinyhands @ 3:00 AM 0 comments

Day 700

posted by tinyhands @ 7:22 PM 0 comments

Day 555

Last weekend marked 18 months, which feels like a milestone. I was distracted by family events, so I didn't sit around moping. I've got 51 other weekends out of the year to do that. I don't know what the point of recognizing milestones is if nothing's changed.

I created a new profile on the dating site where we met, but I kept it hidden because I didn't want anyone to find it. I didn't post any pictures but I wrote a little something about myself. And I set up my search criteria.

I've been watching a youtube advice/counseling channel. That guy started dating after only 4 months. I know it's different for everyone, but that just seems wrong. He's LDS, so I know he believes a lot of other nonsense too. Grain of salt.

I was just looking, thinking that maybe someday I could say hi. Then a profile appeared that I can't stop thinking about. That made me genuinely panic.

Sure, there's guilt and anxiety. The panic is from a reality I hadn't considered. There's a little matter of about 50 lbs. I started intermittent fasting but I want the pill.

Youtube-guy says some of the red flags to watch out for are keeping you a secret, constantly comparing you to her, and shrines. Check, check, and check. I don't need to keep it a secret, I know they'd be supportive. I just don't want them to do something they think is for my own good. The shrines thing is hard because it's not necessarily literal, but I still have closets full of clothes, shoes, expensive purses.

People say to me that it's OK when I'm ready. I don't ask for this advice. People start conversations with that. I could do all the stuff but that's not what makes you ready. A garage sale doesn't make you ready.

And I can't stop thinking about that profile. It's open in another tab right now. It's been a few weeks since it appeared, so I'm sure I missed my chance. I kind of want to say thanks for making me realize I wasn't ready but I want to be someday so I'm going to do the other things. What a fucked up opener that would be. I wouldn't ask her to wait. I still might run out of time before I finish.

posted by tinyhands @ 6:20 PM 1 comments

14 years & 1 question, day 301

What if it was me?  Maybe I'm Malcolm in that movie, I don't know, and I don't have Cole to break it to me gently when I'm ready to hear it.  So how long has it really been?  How did it happen?  How much longer will it take?

The most likely answer is that I died right after she did, my heart giving out as I nearly wished it to.  But what if it happened before we even met, so that being forced to meet and then lose her is part of the punishment?  It makes sense, since my memories before her are getting blurry.  But they say trauma and THC both do that to you.  Was I killed by someone?  In anger or by accident?  Am I Jack, on Oceanic Flight 815, a trans-pacific flight that went missing?  Wouldn't the ultimate joke be if nothing means anything and I had just choked on a chicken nuggie?

posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM 0 comments

Paris, day 247

A retired American couple sat next to me at dinner. Close enough for them to be nosey about me being solo, far enough that they'd have to really reach outside what's appropriate to bother me. I can tell it's their first trip here. Perhaps anywhere overseas. It's not like I'm fluent or anything, but I can at least make a rather convincing attempt at the language.  I'm seated facing the window, with my back to the room. Nobody else is alone and nobody sits with their back to the room by choice.  I can see the square across the street where people are ballroom dancing. Tango, I think. They're just regular couples, not professionals, although I think there is an instructor for those who want. It's hard to watch the couples, dancing closely. I feel the retirees kind of want to know how I navigate so smoothly, ordering tap water, for example, rather than overpriced bottled water for the table. I think I remember when I didn't know what I was doing. I'd trade it for what they have.

I think I could learn my way around, how to navigate daily life and exist here. I don't think I could live here. Thus highlighting the difference between to exist and to live. To thrive, anywhere, seems unattainable especially in a city of these millions but even on a sandy beach. How do I find a village of hundreds or perhaps a town of thousands that will have me?  The fact is though, that when I'm gone, I'm gone.  I leave no one and nothing behind.  I've created nothing lasting, built nothing of note.  I suppose I'll be part of some memories for a generation.  Beyond that, a stubby offshoot of the main trunk of a couple of grade school family tree projects.

posted by tinyhands @ 9:54 PM 1 comments

Paris, day 245

I'm in Paris, intentionally yet conspicuously alone.  I think this city, like all the great cities of the world - New York, London, Rome - are meant to be shared with someone.  Is there a place where I'm meant to be alone?  It feels like anywhere I go now will be that alone place, for me anyway, for the rest of my life.  I've seen all the sights, the art and architecture. I climbed the towers of Notre Dame, before it burned obviously, and laughed at how tiny the Mona Lisa is.  What am I supposed to do now?  Tomorrow I will scatter her ashes here, her last wish.  I think that's supposed to give me closure.  I can't imagine that it will.  I eventually have to go home and finish dealing with her things, selling what I can and giving away what I can't.  Maybe that will give me closure.  In the house that we bought together, with the puppy we loved together.  When the memories fade, as they inevitably do, will the hole fill itself in or does life just permanently shrink to its new, smaller size?

posted by tinyhands @ 10:13 PM 0 comments

Hello again

I don't know how much longer I can do this.  It's only been 2 weeks and 3 days.  So, 17 days.  That was a Friday, the worst Friday ever.  I still kinda think it was my fault.  I don't know if I'll ever free myself of the guilt.  There's so. much. guilt, over that and so many other things I either didn't do or did wrong.  I believe it's my punishment though, that I can't tell anyone about the worst of it.  They'd say it's not true.  Or they'd try to convince me it was an accident.  I wouldn't argue with them, but in my head I know that it can be an accident AND my fault at the same time.  Nothing they'd say matters though, since it'll still be in my head.  I'll nod & say they're right, but still think it.  Always, and I'll never know the truth.  The one person who can tell me, can't tell me.

Backing up, some truths to set the stage...

I didn't lose my job that day.  It was actually a little over 7 months later though.  Partially the pandemic, but mostly that cocksucker of a boss.  The fact that he's the CIO doesn't mean he knows jack-shit about IT.  I tried to convince him that it would save time & money to do it my way.  I tried to map out a plan to get from here to there and when he told me to just shut up and do the minimum, I went ahead with my plan anyway.  He could never see the big picture.  He just wanted to buy more software that nobody wanted instead of making what we had work.  And my spineless pussy of a director agreed with me to my face but put me on the list with a knife in my back.  He used the pandemic as an excuse to furlough and then lay me off.  None of them knew that 2 weeks earlier was the previous worst Friday ever, but it wouldn't have mattered to those heartless, fucking imbeciles.  Of course I got another job, a pretty good one, with the nicest bunch of people I've never met.

I didn't name my dog Alexa either.  I wouldn't actually have a dog for another year and 7 months.  Pandemic puppies are such a cliché, but we had always wanted one and we now finally had a house to bring her home to.  The breeder was basically a hillbilly, but mom made sure she checked out.  She let us delay bringing her home by a week so that we could rewrite a bit of history.  Instead of remembering that day as the then-worst Friday ever we would mark that day as the day we brought home our little girl.  She's beautiful and a handful and loving and rotten.  Daddy's girl, which made her momma sad, but momma couldn't take care of her so I did.  Momma didn't celebrate her birthday, 8 days ago.  I didn't celebrate it either.

And that day in 2019 wasn't the hardest year of my life.  17 days ago was the beginning of it.  I'm empty and numb.  Lightheaded, like I bit off a bit too much of that chocolate bar I brought back from Colorado.  I think I've convinced my family and friends that I'm not going to park my car in the garage and just leave it running.  I haven't fully convinced myself yet though.  I was able to stop myself from crying in the frozen food aisle yesterday, before anyone could see me.  I was thinking that this is what my life is now: Fucking pathetic Hungry Man dinners.  I was feeling sorry for myself, which is the only thing more fucking pathetic than eating every meal off an aluminum tray from the freezer.  I'm not hungry anyway, "but you gotta eat" I hear them all say.  So I heat up a ziti casserole and think about how much longer I have to do this.

It's not like I've got a ton of time remaining anyway.  Both of my grandfathers died from heart attacks.  My dad survived his, even had a second little one not long ago.  I know how the genetics work, so I know it's coming for me eventually.  I'm just waiting for my turn.  Modern medicine being what it is, I'd probably survive the heart attack if I don't let the heart break stop me from calling for help.  I always wanted to retire overseas and bid this nightmare of a country good bye.  I might just embrace it and go.

posted by tinyhands @ 12:50 AM 2 comments

Unemployed again

Not really my fault though.  A woman at work pronounced it "Chip-Ole-Tay" so I smacked her in her dumb mouth.  HR argues that even open-hand is unacceptable.  Whatever.

posted by tinyhands @ 11:01 AM 0 comments

I should not have named my dog Alexa

But not because the people at the vet insist he's a boy dog. This ain't Paris and we aren't making France-talk where inanimate nouns have gender. Just fixé la dog and I'll be on my way.

posted by tinyhands @ 5:22 PM 0 comments

Yesterday was the hardest year of my life

I feel like I'm playing Scrabble and all my tiles are punctuation.

posted by tinyhands @ 9:56 AM 1 comments

Objects in mirror are farther than they appear

What do you see when you look in the mirror? Maybe you see a hair out of place, a new pimple, and bloodshot eyes. Or maybe you see your nice, straight, white teeth clearly through laser-corrected eyes. Why did you look in the mirror in the first place? Humans have been looking at themselves since the dawn of time. We've used pools of water, polished stone, metal, silvered glass, and more recently (and somewhat annoyingly) selfies to see what we look like. Looking in the mirror, we see how we believe to appear to others. We use the mirror's image to check our appearance and maybe make slight alterations such as combing our hair or applying makeup.

Now ask someone else what they see when they look at you. You may get varying answers, hopefully polite, but almost always different from what you see in the mirror. The closer you are to someone the farther their description of you varies from your own. A stranger, having no other frame of reference will likely start with your hair and eye color. You may get a "nice smile" and "kind eyes" from someone or perhaps a "dangerous looking mole" in the statistically unlikely event that your target stranger happens to be a dermatologist. Friends and family are more likely to go beyond the superficial. Some of them may obliquely relate to your outward appearance such as "I see your father" (or mother, grandparent, etc.) but those who are close to you probably see you in terms of an anecdote. They may tell you that, 30 years later, they still see the scared child who fell out of a treehouse and broke a leg, or the person who rescued a stray litter and found homes for all the puppies. Ask someone from your innermost circle what they see when they look at you and you probably won't get anything related to your appearance - "I see the person I fell in love with."

posted by tinyhands @ 9:45 PM 1 comments

Applause goes here

Finally, a post that isn't about travel... I think I'm home for the next couple of months.

I've been catching up on my TV watching, a pastime very important to me as you well know. I was watching a show that featured a character who was one of those kinda creepy (aka very creepy) motivational speakers. At one point, he goes out on stage at one of his shows and although he hasn't yet said a word the crowd goes wild, clapping, whistling, and cheering for him. Another program that I frequently watch has a live studio audience that chants the host's name for several minutes at the beginning of the show. There are quite a few shows like that and I am aware that a large part of that is the warm-up guy, prepping the audience for what's about to happen and whipping them into a frenzy for the host, especially since they've usually been waiting in line for several hours for 30-60 minutes (21-42, after the all important commercials) worth of entertainment. It's got to be a huge rush for those guys on stage though.

It wasn't exactly a stage and it wasn't a late-night network chat-show, but I got my very first public-speaking gig last year. I was contacted by this company and we worked on the proposal a bit, then they flew me out on their dime, put me up in a hotel on their nickel, and gave me a microphone and 60 minutes in front of an audience. I was even interviewed on-camera about it. As my gig approached, I tried to get them to play 'Eye of the Tiger' as I came out, but they gave me some excuse about rights management and it didn't happen. I didn't get the huge ovation or chanting either, partially because nobody knew who I was, but also because there was only one person in the audience. I think she was from Antigua or one of the other Lesser Antilles so, even though she spoke English, I tell myself that she just wasn't familiar with our celebrity-worshiping customs. Still.

I didn't get to experience the huge rush that those professionals get, but I caught a glimpse. The TV shows just recently reminded me of it. I started thinking how great it would be if everyone got that. It's not exactly love that the audience is giving them, there's approval and acceptance directed at the stage, with caring and joy with affection thrown in for good measure. Can you imagine if that happened to you on a daily basis? It wouldn't fix every rotten thing in your life, as one recent celebrity tragedy in particular has pointed out, but it would still be pretty fookin' great (tm). Maybe you don't have a daily audience of millions, or even thousands or hundreds. Maybe it's just that you don't have them yet or maybe you never will, and that's OK. But what would it take, what would you have to do to have your audience cheer for you and chant your name when you walk in the room? If you did that thing (or stopped doing that bad thing) maybe your audience would grow a little bit every season and word of mouth might catch on, as two of your fans tell two of their friends, and so on. And even if you never fully capture that all-important 18-34 demographic, wouldn't it be awesome?

Try it.
And when you're in someone else's audience, cheer wildly for them too.
Let me know how it goes.

posted by tinyhands @ 10:54 PM 0 comments

Hannoying travels

I'd forgotten how much I disliked Hanoi. It's loud and perpetually busy, nearly 7 million buzzing scooters, a honking, beeping cacophony. But it has been a few years and the past always looks good through rose-colored glasses, so I agreed to spend another few days here. Surprisingly, August isn't any hotter than May. It's still ball-drippingly hot, just not worse than in the spring. If anything, as the rainy season winds down there are lots of cloudy days and short showers that suggest a pleasant day here is possible. Not today, of course, but maybe tomorrow. Always tomorrow. Something else to remember, if you decide to come, is that there are really only about 7 words in the Vietnamese language. They are each pronounced in a couple hundred ways, with inflections imperceptible to the non-native speaker, however, so whatever you say will be misunderstood. Unlike French though, nobody really cares if you butcher the language, and the taxi driver was going to take you the long way anyway.

posted by tinyhands @ 11:34 AM 0 comments

View from my hotel window

posted by tinyhands @ 6:36 PM 0 comments

8 pictures of Prague

Obviously I can't tell you about my latest, most awesome fantastical trip ever until I finish telling you about the previous one. And I'm already getting ready for the next one which would put me 2 behind as far as blogging goes...

Prague has been on my to-do list for as long as I can remember wanting to travel. The trip was supposed to be Prague-Vienna-Budapest and it was supposed to be with my wife, but she made other plans and that was 10 years ago. (10 years which coincide with me creating this blog in the first place) So the trip was Cologne-Munich-Prague instead. People rave about Prague. It's affordable, the food is good, the beer is better, and it's got an interesting history that includes emerging from behind the Iron Curtain. But after dropping off the car and taking a taxi back to the hotel, past graffiti-tagged walls, my first experience was of street hawkers:

Hello, my friend, come into my shop and buy something.

No. I don't respond well to that kind of pressure. I prefer to lazily browse online (usually at work) then take months literally agonizing over a $5 decision. I cannot just pop into your shop and pick out a tacky magnet for my friend back home at the drop of a hat. Ooh look, you have hats! Which one looks best on me?

But if you manage to block all that out, Prague is a very nice city that still manages to retain a bit of its old, quaint charm. I could not keep my eyes off the castle atop the hill, and it was equally difficult to tear myself away from sitting atop a wall at the castle staring down at the city below, the Moldau/Vlatava forever flowing past. Climbing the hill is thirsty work, and fortunately there are many excellent pivovary to quench that thirst. There's a beautiful art-deco church amid the cemetery at the old castle and an art museum or two worth seeing. I had a nice time in Prague, and the astronomical clock gave me a huge nerd-boner (sorry Czech people!), but I can't really say that I loved it. I think I just heard one too many people raving about it. It was dirtier (graffiti) and pushier (hawkers) than I expected, and this was not even peak tourist season. Or maybe I was just dreading coming home. Still, I'm happy to have been.

posted by tinyhands @ 6:13 PM 0 comments

The Unforgiven

posted by tinyhands @ 6:30 PM 3 comments

View from my latest hotel room

posted by tinyhands @ 3:13 PM 0 comments

Catchy sayings that never caught on - #17

posted by tinyhands @ 7:52 AM 0 comments

Lá fhéile Pádraig sona dhaoibh!

Blurry cellphone pic (from lower 5th Ave.) of the Empire State Building lit up green, white, and orange for St. Patty's. For the record, I too was blurry.

posted by tinyhands @ 6:04 PM 0 comments

4 pictures of Cesky Krumlov

As much as I love Bavaria, it's time to move on. From the far south of Germany, one has a couple of options: The Black Forest to the West, with France beyond; Switzerland is nearby to the Southwest; Austria is South and Southeast, with Italy beyond. I chose the E53 to the Northwest, taking me across the border into the Czech Republic. The border is in the middle of nowhere, barely marked by little more than a reset mile marker. If the little villages along the way didn't switch their signs from German to Czech you almost wouldn't know. The drive is a little harrowing, through the forest on a narrow 2-lane highway up and down and around. But you're virtually guaranteed to be the only one on the road for most of the drive, so drop the hammer on your cheap Opel rental and go nuts. The end of your drive today is a tiny little town hugging a horseshoe of the Vltava river. Inside the bend of the river is the old town and the cathedral. Above town, looking down from the hilltop, is the castle. There aren't really any museums here and the cathedral isn't much to see, so stroll the cobblestone streets (there are only about 3 of 'em) down to the market square, perfect in its simplicity, and then across the little footbridge to the gingerbread shop. (Czech gingerbread is hard as rock, but you can suck on a little piece for hours...) Stop into any restaurace for some of the best pivo on the planet and remember that you're just down the road from Plzen, which gave its name to an entire style of beer, and Budweis, only the most recognizable name in the world of beer. But even if your itinerary doesn't leave you hoarse from hours of 'na zdravy!' with your new best friends, you might be lucky enough to have dinner with the two guys that I ran into there. I should have learned their names, but I was completely overwhelmed by two local men who looked like they worked in the Skoda factory by day and played the most beautiful classical guitar duets by night. I'm not normally one to linger over dinner, but I ordered appetizers, mains, more appetizers, double desserts, and more becherovkas than I can remember just to stay and listen.

posted by tinyhands @ 7:04 PM 3 comments

Sala kakuhle, tata

posted by tinyhands @ 4:03 PM 2 comments

8 pictures of Munich

I rented a car in Cologne from a local European firm and drove down the autobahn. It's not that big of a deal, but some people act like I walked on the moon. What's it like, you ask? Imagine a road without potholes where all the other drivers are courteous and try to stay out of each others' way. And Porsches (not Ferraris) come flying by at 250 km/h (160 mph). The road south of Cologne to Coblenz following the Rhine is EXACTLY like the river road in New Braunfels, TX. It's easy to see why the Germans settled in that part of the hill country. I stopped in Bamberg on my way South and I really wanted to love it, but I got lost in all the tiny, twisting medieval cobblestone roads and my GPS died. Instead of staying in Bamberg, I got back in the car and off the main roads into the countryside, looking for the grave of an ancestor. I found the towns in which he was said to have been born and died, but couldn't find his final resting place in either town. It's also said that he disowned his son, also in my ancestral line, so perhaps this was some way of sticking it to us, that we couldn't come back to visit. Mean old man.

But Munich was very warm & welcoming. I don't have anything particularly profound to say about Munich. I didn't get to spend enough time here, so I'd like to come back some time. I still listen to their radio station over the web and sometimes pretend I'm anywhere other than where I am.

posted by tinyhands @ 8:34 PM 1 comments

WTF?

I noticed a change after my most recent birthday. I no longer get spam advertising for penile enhancement & viagra. All of my spam is now for discount printer ink and fake rolex watches. Damn.

posted by tinyhands @ 8:14 AM 1 comments

Job interview observation

posted by tinyhands @ 4:18 PM 0 comments

The Innocents Abroad

We wish to learn all the curious, outlandish ways of all the different countries, so that we can "show off" and astonish people when we get home. We wish to excite the envy of our untraveled friends with our strange foreign fashions which we can't shake off. All our passengers are paying strict attention to this thing, with the end in view which I have mentioned. The gentle reader will never, never know what a consummate ass he can become, until he goes abroad. I speak now, of course, in the supposition that the gentle reader has not been abroad, and therefore is not already a consummate ass. If the case be otherwise, I beg his pardon and extend to him the cordial hand of fellowship and call him brother. I shall always delight to meet an ass after my own heart when I shall have finished my travels.

posted by tinyhands @ 2:31 PM 0 comments

8 pictures of Cologne

I feel like I'm perpetually on vacation. Maybe it's because that's the only time I post to the blog anymore. Maybe it's because I've cultivated a state of mind that transcends space and time. That second one sounds awesome, so let's go with that.

This time, Colonia Agrippina, the ancient name of Cologne, a city in the northwest of Germany originally founded by one of Caesar Augustus' generals. Founding a city, of course, is the Roman practice of slaughtering a bunch of Germanic tribesmen and slapping your name on their village. Cologne is closer, both geographically and culturally, to Belgium and The Netherlands than it is to Berlin or Munich. Thus, I love it. Not that there isn't a lot to love about the rest of Germany. It's a beautiful country of rolling hills and verdant meadows. Seriously pastoral shit and the people are very cool. They don't care if you don't speak German or if you speak German badly. They will happily bring you a ginormous beer, some tiny sausages, and have a laugh with you. In Cologne, by contrast, they bring you dozens of tiny beers, a ginormous pig knuckle, and have a laugh with you.

So go to Cologne. Drink the local Kolsch (beer) and put a lock on the bridge with your lover. Check out one of the most impressive cathedrals in the world, climb the tower, and see the "authentic" shrine of the Three Kings. If you're there in the Spring, have white asparagus (pee still stinks) and ride the skytram across the river to the waterpark. Join a pick-up soccer game with college students in the marketplatz and marvel again at the cathedral at night.

And bring home lots of little bottles of toilet water, because everyone's going to ask you if that's where perfume comes from. And it does.

posted by tinyhands @ 8:02 PM 0 comments

Jury Duty (live)

Today marks the third year in a row that I've been summoned for jury duty. Two years ago, I got in trouble for being too chatty with the girl next to me. (Point of fact, she's the one that was too chatty; I was being too noddy, encouraging her by listening to every boring story.) I got out of serving on a jury that time by telling the judge that the cop in the case had once pulled me over and I knew him to be a cock.

Last year, I got called for District court jury duty. That was slightly more interesting, potentially serving on a Federal court case. Instead, it was a woman suing Wal-Mart for arresting her for passing counterfeit bills. I didn't actually get picked for that jury either, so back into the pool I go.

Which brings me to today, at Municipal court. These are going to be small-claims cases and traffic violations, which seems like a perfectly reasonable use of my higher education and astronomical intellect. I'm sitting behind an honest-to-god pimp, decked out in Sean John and a leather hat. I just tried to make a suicide pact with him, testifying to each others lack of sound mind/moral character, but I don't think I explained myself clearly and he just sneered at me. Guess I'm stuck here for now. Fortunately, there's plenty to keep me entertained: two old copies of "Texas Highways" and one copy of "Jet" magazine which, the woman who grabbed it ahead of me, assures me is not about aircraft.

Update: We're back from lunch now, loaded back into our pews like the civic-minded cattle we are. Everyone is seated more or less exactly where they were before, including the pimp and Ms. Jet. The morning was excruciating on my back. After the video about how rewarding this experience is (not monetarily, of course, it's $6 for a day of my life) and then a swearing-in (I elected to affirm instead) there was nothing. No talking, no muzak. Just the drone of a 50 year-old air conditioning system, cooling and recycling every cough and sneeze of my 75 compatriots. I'm SO looking forward to the rest of the afternoon.

posted by tinyhands @ 10:22 AM 0 comments

This year, Santa was my bitch

Unfortunately, Christmas is often a disappointment for me. Somewhere in my early teens I became "too old" for toys, so I started getting sweaters and socks for Christmas. So it went for roughly a quarter century. But this year the curse was broken. New smartphone, bluetooth headset, bluetooth transmitter for the TV, HD clock radio, a ginormous atlas of antique maps, a new sander...

And cash, glorious cash. Yeah, it's kinda gross and passé, but I made it rain then rolled around in it. Grandma is kind of senile, so she didn't mind. My sister's kids just laughed. My sister says I'm a bad influence, but I don't see it.

Aaanndd I got a bonus at work, which is practically unheard of at my company. But I'm awesome, true story. Bonus, plus the ultimate stocking stuffer (pronounced 'Kay-sh') makes me a happy Christmas boy.

Here's another view from my latest hotel window...

posted by tinyhands @ 7:05 PM 1 comments

View from my hotel window

posted by tinyhands @ 11:41 PM 2 comments

I've Decided

Rather than cling to anachronistic conventions, I've taken a look at the facts:

posted by tinyhands @ 9:04 AM 3 comments