Sunday, February 13, 2005

Valentine's Day aka "Singles Awareness Day" (SAD)

I hate that I had to steal that title from Ryan Seacrest. Hate hate hate. Moving on...

I spent some quality time making up a new game for myself. It's pretty stupid, so don't read this. I was going through my music collection looking for songs with 3 syllables in just the right place so that I could substitute my name in them. Some of my favorites-
Close to You, by The Carpenters - "Just like me, they long to be, tinyhands."
Cry for Help, by Rick Astley - "Tinyhands, is all I need. All I need is tinyhands."
Crazy Love, by Poco - "It happens all the time, these tinyhands of mine wrap around my heart, refusing to unwind."

I won't bore you with the rest.

Valentine's Day alone reminds me that some time ago I wrote a personal ad for one of the popular online dating sites. Some of you may have seen it and I was a little proud of myself, having worked on it for quite a while to get it just right. It read, partially...

This charming, fully-furnished, Galleria-area unit is tastefully decorated and ready for entertaining company. Great views from all directions, this 1-1-1 is both cozy and elegant. Traditional floorplan but very flexible with tons of possibilities only limited by your imagination ... Ample closetspace with no skeletons. Has been flooded in the past but rarely gets flooded anymore. Previous owner left in a hurry, but this one has stayed clean and underwent a minor remodel. Foundation is solid: This is NOT a fixer-upper ...
There was more, but you get the idea. I got a few nibbles at one dating site, so I duplicated the ad at a few others. Having actually worked on it and given it a lot of serious thought I was going to get as many miles out of it as possible. (Yes, I also use the same term papers over and over in different classes, so what?) At about the third or fourth site they locked my account and sent me a very rude rejection letter. Apparently my ad didn't meet their standards. I had to ask for clarification and they told me that they didn't want their cheesy dating site to be used for commercial purposes. Umm, you didn't happen to drop out of high-school, did you? Maybe you should have stayed for the day they covered metaphors. What does symbolism mean? What is incompetent?

14 Comments:

At 3:59 AM, Blogger Hooch said...

What a wally! Although having read some of these online profiles, perhaps I can understand that subtlety isn't something they see too much of.

I managed to survive SAD without to much trauma. I was partly amused by a person who works in the same area I am in, who is in a relationship with a co-worker in a different department. They're young (24) and beautiful and kinda behave like you would imagine people you see in social pages would behave. So they did the whole flowers and obvious tokens of affection in the office.

But I laughed to myself because he spent the whole afternoon raving about the model he'd been shooting (photographically) that morning.

Valentine's might be romantic, but it obviously still doesn't instill and 'clue' into the 'clueless'.

hmmmm... maybe this should be on my blog...

ah well... Don't worry that you spent this particular day (of purely consumerist value) on your pat malone... you were in good company :)

 
At 7:24 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

so far on this most awful of days so good. i wore green - as a sign of rejection of all things valentine-y ... but i am drinking a mocha this morning - in a nod to the chocolate ...

and maybe those online people didn't know what a "euphemism" is - I hear that's going around.

 
At 8:03 AM, Blogger Esther said...

Gotto love these dating sites. I subscribed once, maybe twice, ok make that 3 times, and I was actually approached by women looking for 3somes! YIKES!

 
At 9:09 AM, Blogger Kate the Peon said...

Esther's surprisingly unappreciative of her results.

TH, I heart you.

 
At 9:54 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

That is the funniest thing I've ever heard. What minds.

I think you should just stick to the old fashioned way where your friends fix you up on hellish blind dates with anything wearing a little mascara and still breathing (nod to Bing Crosby). That way the fun and humiliation can be shared by all. I hated being single.

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger mellancollyeyes said...

Ahhh yes, the good old internet dating site routine. Yours was a good one--very interesting (not that I've perused many a dating site in my own time, of course not...).

And why are we all so mopey that we don't have signficant others for SAD? Clearly this should be a celebration of all the things that you don't have to worry about when you're single...
1. buying things for people that they will probably hate or will cost a lot of money
2. trying to get reservations on the busiest day of the year
3. not having to share the bed or the covers (hurray for middle of the bed, swaddled in blankets sleeping).
4. no nasty shaving bits left behind in the sink or shower
5. most specifically for girls...no pee on the floor by the bottom of the toilet.
6. if you don't know the person very well yet, the fact that you have to wear pants in front of them at all times
7. if you do know them well, the fact that you can't go pantless without it leading somewhere, even if all you want to do is just be pantless and watch Top Model...

I could go on, but I think I've made my point...

also, TH, you rock my world! Happy V-Day.

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...

Hmmm...I had good luck with the dating sites I used. The only post that was ever rejected was when I used the word "bitch." In a funny and cute way, but apparently it wouldn't play in the midwest. bastards. I didn't care about the midwest, I'M IN GEORGIA! Anyway...ultimately the dating sites paid off, 'cause that's where I met Kevin.

hehe..."Just like me, they long to be, tinyhands."

 
At 11:49 AM, Blogger Tasty said...

Euphemism was the first thing I thought. ;-)

 
At 11:54 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Hooch- Raving about a model is definitely one way to get shot.

Al- It's what I get for being different. I should have typed "I'm a jeans & t-shirt guy who doesn't mind getting dressed up once in a while..."

Esther- Yeah, I'm having a hard time feeling bad about that for you. It's the y-Chromo disorder though. ;)

kTp- I♥U2

Z- Ok, where do I get these "friends" you speak of? Because the TV "Friends" won't return my phonecalls.

Adrianne- If I assume "rocking your world" is a good thing, I'm happy to do it. (You wacky kids and your slang!)

ESC- Funny and cute is discouraged. For example, I [censored] every time I think about you.

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

if you keep [censored], you'll go blind, you know.

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

i don't know what euphemism means.

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger *L'ola said...

christ*el, it is another word for kneecap.

I simply see Valentine's Day as a guaranteed day Ima get laid. But I might be in the minority on this one. And I would have responed to that ad.

 
At 10:01 PM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

and how bad is it that all morning while i was getting ready for work i was singing.



ooooooh ooh oooh ooooh.... ti-ny hands. (insert "close to you" music)

 
At 7:43 PM, Blogger The Tart said...

Luv Poco!!!

Showering this post with bread crumbs, natch!

; )

 

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