Monday, January 31, 2005

5 reasons to hate Montəll Williαms

I'm going to try not to dwell on the negatives, because I know someone who does that and she's really unbearable. Her blog would be a non-stop "woe is me" and you'd want to shoot yourself in the face to keep from reading it. The other thing she does is to take credit for everyone else's ideas while talking nonstop about herself. I kid you not, I know more about her than I do about myself and I've known myself a lot longer.

I think part of my problem is that I'm desperately out of shape. I'm only a little overweight for a man my age and height, but I spend so much time sitting in front of this computer that several of my joints have gone past stiffness into solidifying. I bet Jethro has some cool chiropractic term for it. Showoff. (kidding) But seriously, I'm so out of shape (everybody: How out of shape are you?) I'm so out of shape I get winded while eating. That can't be good.

So I went for a walk this morning before lunch. It felt good. Well, I should rephrase that somewhat. The idea of walking felt good. The actual walking, not so much. I like a brisk walk when it's cold out, but the wind was slapping me in the face the whole time. I actually did not enjoy that. It's the first time in the 9 months or so that I've lived here that I walked along the street on which I live. I'm near the end of my block, so usually I walk a couple streets over to the grocery store for the Sunday paper. (I say that as if I've done it more than twice.) Anyway, I noticed that a "neighbor" around the middle of the block has about a dozen birdfeeders hung in the trees between his front door and the street. Each and every one was empty, including the corncob without a single kernel left on it. What a cruel joke to play on defenseless little birdies. If any of you out there have an empty birdfeeder hanging in your trees you're a terrible horrible person. Go fill it.

Other than being out of shape, I noticed something else about my body, and this may disturb some of you, so I'm sorry. Two nights ago, before I climbed into bed, I went to the bathroom to pee and a whole Cheerio® came out. This was a standing room only event, so I'm pretty sure this shouldn't have happened. I was doing my business and I looked away for no less than a second when I heard a little 'clink' against the porcelain. I looked down to find a whole Cheerio where previously there had been none. It hasn't happened since, so I'm not overly worried but for all I know it's a good thing. I've done a little searching on the web and can't find anything in the medical literature. If any of you know of any sort of spontaneous cereal syndrome, including but not limited to anything Honey Nut, please email me a link.


At 12:40 AM, Blogger christ*el #3tx said...

ok, i have heard of belly button lint.

and funk in the creases of your fat folds,

BUT maybe we should suspend YOU from one of those trees with the empty bird feeders on it and see what they find. kinda like a kindergarten craft. minus the whole rolling you in honey part.

we will do that when you are here in ATL.

At 12:51 AM, Blogger Muhammad said...

oh...oh..nice going with the blog. keep it up. :)

Islamic Blog , News Blog , Jobs Blog , Keyword Blog , Tech Dose

At 12:58 AM, Blogger Heather said...

First of all, eww.

Second of all, I'm probably more out of shape than all of you put together. But the beauty of youth is that you would never be able to tell by looking at me. I look so dang good that you'd think I spend more time working out than I do sitting in class (15 hour schedule, baby). God bless my daddy and the metabolism he passed on to me. We'll see if it's still doing its job after I have babies.

At 1:35 AM, Blogger Badaunt said...

Are you going to make history as the first person ever to pass a painless kidney stone? I mean, The Man has told me about that *clink* thing, and it generally follows several days of agony.

If that's what it turns out to be, you jammy bastard you, and how did you do it?

At 2:08 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

Are you sure it was a Cheerio? Maybe it stuck to your skin and when you whipped it out it dislodged and fell in. I can't believe I'm discussing this. Good Night.

At 1:23 PM, Blogger se7en said...

i had a puppy that swallowed a fairly large bolt once, he was behind me when he dumped it out on the concrete as i was working on my car, it made a very definite "clunk" and i couldn't believe my eyes at the size of it LOL

At 3:57 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

#3tx- I'm still waiting for someone to send me my e-Ticket.

D- Thanks & Welcome.

Bonnie Heather- I don't suppose you've gotten to the chapter on Ego yet in psych, eh?

Theic/Z- I'm positive it was a Cheerio, and since it was painless there's a good chance Zelda's theory is correct. Just to be safe, I'm not taking my eyes off of "it" for the time being.

Lucky 7- You think you were surprised, imagine that poor puppy.

At 4:04 PM, Blogger me said...

Wow. Is it that bad? Maybe I'll take a break from blogging.

At 4:17 PM, Blogger Kate the Peon said...

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or guffaw or cringe when I first read this.

Yep. Still not sure.

At 6:21 PM, Blogger J. said...

Huh ... maybe it was a cheerio-stone. No pain? Hmm. I'm with Zelda, I think it was in your pants. Umm, no insult intended.

*shit* Have you been checking out my backyard? *mental note to refill bird feeders* Little flying pigs. They can eat all the shit they throw on the ground while they greedily go for the fresh stuff.

At 6:25 PM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...


I think when dealing with cereal in your naughty bits, "better out than in" is the best policy. i'd be REALLY impressed if you start peeing milk.

ew. I just grossed myself out.

At 12:57 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

ブーレベン- You have nothing to worry about. Remember our pact.

KtP- Take as long as you need. The rest of us are moving on.

Jeanette- You realize I can't admit to dropping a Cheerio down my pants. Immaculate nutrition. That's my story and I'm sticking with it.

ESC- And judging by the lack of further comments, I'm guessing you grossed everyone else out too.

At 6:58 PM, Blogger me said...

I'm so touched, I might could cry. (Shout it... ブーレベン-! Makes no sense to you now, but I'll send the mp3.)

It's nice to read a white man who gets the ra jokes, especially when that white man is from Texas. Not to judge, but, seriously, what are the odds?

At 9:14 AM, Blogger Tasty said...

I'm not sure where the schmack I was when you first wrote this entry, but I'm damn glad I reviewed the last few because laughing is sooooo good. Almost as good as, well, you know.

Anyway, check your inbox for the e-ticket to ATL. I've got a new jar of orange blossom honey with your name on it.

At 7:03 PM, Blogger The Tart said...


BTW, these bread crumbs ... don't eat them, k?

; )


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