Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The Rookie

I'm not remotely a fan of reality TV. There's nothing all that real about it and then there's the obvious comparison to my version of reality: A jobless, often-depressive, pastry-junkie living in a heavily mortgaged, squirrel-dung adobe in, of all places, Hellstown Texas. Nevertheless, I've seen an episode or two of just about all of the reality shows. The Wonderful Dash is one of my least favorites, since these people are going all around the world and yet they don't actually get to see it. Why don't they just box the people up and mail them from city to city? The view would be the same and the winner could be decided by the one who correctly guesses how much postage to put on the box. Remnant is the original, having spawned all others and added gems such as "voted off the island" to our lexicon. I don't see what's so great about watching "contestants" drop 30 pounds and get lice infestations, but I never claimed to understand American culture.

That said, The Rookie is coming to Houston for auditions in a couple of weeks and not only has the University bent over forwards to accomodate the staff, they've spammed all the students with invitations to participate. And since the whole pupose of my going to business school is to some day meet Mr. Ace-in-the-Hole, (aside: Oh thank you thesaurus. Write your own joke here.) I think I'll head down there and wow them with everything I've got, short of jazz-hands. Part of the audition process is to appear in person for a videotaped interview and to fill out the application. Let's fill out the application for yours truly, shall we?

[Basic biographical data omitted because you're all loony, psychotic stalkers and would show up here and kill me, which might hurt my chances of being selected.]

How would your co-workers describe you?
I don't have co-workers, you silly little man, I'm a full-time student. But the co-workers at my last job described me as 5'9", medium build, short brown hair, green eyes. Last seen being escorted from the building by security. (See attached police sketch-artist rendering.) As for my personality, several mentioned something about being a smartass.

What is your most impressive work or school achievement?
I was kicked out of 3 different universities as an undergrad, but I'm thinking you'd rather hear about something good. I once rebuilt a Windows NT 4.0 server with Exchange 5.5 into a Windows 2000 server with Exchange 2000 in a single weekend, and when they returned Monday morning the users had no idea anything was different. Maybe you had to be there.

Why are you successful in business?
Because I'm such a relentless negotiator the Dutch have given me the nickname De Tijger (The Tiger) and have banned me from their video-rental stores and kiosks. Being successful sometimes means getting barred from ever doing it again.

Describe a major event or issue that has affected your life:
Winning the gold medal at Athens in individual synchronized swimming was the realization of years of hard work and sacrifice. You're not going to check up on this are you? Right, either the gold medal or the Nobel Prize in Reading Comprehension. (Seriously. I'm 33 but I read at a 35 year-old level!)

Tell us something embarassing about yourself:
I have these unbelievably tiny hands and my inner voice has a Scottish accent.

Why do you believe you could ultimately be "The Rookie"?
a) There's a good chance I'd poison one or more of the other contestants;
a) I know all the letters of the alphabet, including the seldom used ones like Q & X;
3) I'm willing to let Mr. Ace-in-the-Hole touch me inappropriately. On camera.


At 4:18 AM, Blogger Kate the Peon said...

Hehe. You're funny. I read at the 35yr old level too.

At 7:23 AM, Blogger Badaunt said...

I have never seen a reality TV show, and it's starting to make me feel like a weirdo. Tonight after work the guys were talking about one - the one with Germaine Greer? (Or without her, apparently.) Everybody knew what it was about except me. And now I get home and you're talking about it too. So are the people on a mailing list I'm on.

How come I haven't seen one? Is it possible that I'm IN a reality TV show, and nobody has told me? How would I know? I mean, you say there's nothing real about it, and my life sort of fits that description. Is there some kind of test I can do to find out?

At 7:39 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

i think you'd be a sure thing if you'd be willing to wear your hair like that ace-in-the-hole guy .... the secret to most everyone's success is found in the hair. i'm not saying his is good - cause well, cause i have eyes - i'm just saying is all

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

Watch out for your cornhole, man.

(Aside: That's a quote from Office Space just so no one thinks I go around using that word indiscriminately.)

At 12:07 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

KtP- Funny? Whatever do you mean?

Theic- I usually get you (and roughly 80% of your funny Kiwi Vodka ads) but I so don't know anything about anyone named Germaine who isn't a Jackson. As for a reality show test, the only thing I can think of is that if there's nudity, it'll get blurred out by the network censors. So take a peek in the mirror when you get out of the shower...if it's blurry, you might be in trouble.

Al- Good tip from the Duchess of Good Hair.

Z- You know, the Nazi's had little pieces of flair they made the Jews wear.

At 7:34 AM, Blogger Badaunt said...

You haven't heard of Germaine Greer? YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF GERMAINE GREER?

You... you... MAN!



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