as told to (your name here)

Why I didn't vote

My polling place is far enough away that I needed to get in the car to drive there. Along the way, several traffic lights were out (blinking red) causing what is normally severe traffic congestion to become unbearable. The obvious conclusion is that there is a vast right-wing conspiracy trying to keep people from voting. Since I had a lot of time sitting in traffic to think about it, I remembered that we had quite a storm last night and that is why the lights were out. So you put 2 + 2 together and conclude that Republicans are powerful enough to cause massive weather disturbances that interrupt traffic signals and ultimately influence the election. Now, with that kind of power do you think I'm going to just waltz into the elementary school, identify myself, and vote? On the other hand, I generally consider myself one of those right-wing Republicans so I really shouldn't have to worry about a highly localized tornado appearing out of nowhere to, at best tussle my hair, at worst suck the air from my lungs killing me instantly. But I'm pretty vain about my hair so I turned around and went home. Since I didn't vote for Bush, maybe some hot chicks will like me. (aside: yes, it works like that inside my head)

Lest you think I'm a terrible person for not engaging in my civic duty, I fully intend to participate in the riots and looting that are sure to take place when a winner is eventually announced. I've had my eye on a really nice pair of wingtips at Johnston & Murphy, a camelhair sportcoat at Brooks Brothers, and as long as I'm at the mall I might as well loot an iPod. I bought shells for my shotgun earlier in the week, since I believe in being prepared.

posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM