Saturday, October 09, 2004

Letter to a Loved One

It's funny how a lonesome feeling- a feeling of utter boredom and futility- comes over me when I am away from her. It seems as though a part of me was actually somewhere else. And it's always the part that has a good time and enjoys life. The only remaining part is that which sees things as being rather gloomy and ill-tempered. This feeling certainly is one of the mysteries of life to me. I cannot see it, touch it, smell it, or hear it, but I feel it inside of me as surely as though it were something I could lay my hand on. When I'm alone, a new morning, the sun coming up, white clouds, a rested feeling following a good night's sleep, are all just the beginning of another day that must be hurried through so I can get on to something else. With her, a new day is something to enjoy together and a new opportunity to appreciate all the good things in life. The sun coming up starts the day with a radiance of color that shames a Michelangelo and makes any man-made attempt at beauty a mere insignificance. Can we hurry on and ignore such a thing? Too often we do. It's a wonderful thing to enjoy such beauties with one whose love means more than life itself.


At 10:10 AM, Blogger Jillian said...

hey thanx for the comment. although i hate the phrase "Kid" ill let it go since ur an "Old Guy"...just kiddin. im thinkin of that postcard idea. it would be so funny. maybe they would 4give me. i just dont know how to put it into words. i have a lot of thoughts inside that i cant release. ive been trying to write so much shit...its not working. i still have all these thoughts of death. maybe i am lonly. if only my friends were there. idk nemore. i dont want to die. im completly off of that subject nemore. sometimes i just feel like death would be better than this. my mom died last monday. i told a friend of mine. he was there for me. i told him i was sick of feeling. i didnt want to feel nething nemore. he grabbed me, looked at me strait in the eye, and told me. "no jill. you dont want to stop feeling. because once you do, it doesnt come back. you have to be strong and keep feeling. it might be hard now but there will be a time when its better again." ive listened to him. ive stopped mourning. it seems a waste of time to. i dont cry over what i cant change but i keep feeling. thats all i really need to say. -Jillian

At 11:37 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

You're very welcome. There's no reason to be offended by the term "kid" - it's not remotely an insult. Not only am I an old man, I'm a CREEPY old man (inside joke with my friends).

Don't concentrate on 'forgiveness' with your friends. It'll remind them of whatever it was that turned them off. Just give them a reason to want to be your friend- that usually involves giving them what they need in terms of a shoulder to cry on, someone to complain about a teacher or parent to, or just someone to play Playstation with and forget about how much it sucks to be a teenager for a couple of hours. They feel too.

I'm very sorry about your loss. Fortunately I can't completely understand what you're going through. You don't need me to tell you it's ok to feel like shit for as long as you need to mourn. I know you've got a lot of stuff you want to express, but I'm not wild about the idea of writing, painting, or any of that other "creative" stuff: A) You'll just dwell on your misery. B) You'll look back on it in 10-20 years with disgust, that you were ever so negative. I can't tell you how to fill your days, but maybe you'll find fulfillment in something positive.

At 11:54 AM, Blogger Jillian said...

thanx. i no what u mean. im trying to be more posotive. im using the blog as a vent for my anger and depression. but other than that i like havin fun and 4getting how much it sux to be a teen. i live with my aunt and uncle. they give me no freedom. but thats my prob. i shouldnt be complaining about it. i just want to go back to skool. skool really gets my mind off of these things. im with a bunch of ppl, i worry more about grades than nething, and i play in band. band is a really big stress releiver. i luv it. and i luv the ppl in band too. so im gonna do a lot better as soon as i go. and next weekend i have plans with friends that my rents/aunt and uncle cant say no to. so dont worry about me im fine. and ill try not to be so depressed all the time. i dont want to live any part of my life in regret.

At 12:38 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Cool! I didn't see the word "love" (or luv) anywhere else in your blog, so I'm glad to see you use it at all. One last favor- write something funny on your blog. I was in band too, and being a guy (read: simple animal) I particularly like "Jill farted during the quiet part"-stories, but you should write about whatever funny thing you want.

At 12:18 AM, Blogger Mags said...

thanks. i like the photo of your nightstand.



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