Monday, May 29, 2006

Use only premium fuel in Tinyhands

By my reckoning, this is my 300th post and, given the western tradition of celebrating things in groups of base-10, it's a milestone. A minor milestone, perhaps, but one worth observing in grandiose style. Therefore, this post will be extraordinary. This will, dare I say it, be the greatest entry ever written.

In this paragraph, I describe all the funny, quirky things that happened to me since I last published. This is some really funny stuff about bar-hopping and spending an afternoon with my sister's kids. I've written some funny stuff in the past, even if it's only funny to me, but this will have you on the verge of tears. Good tears, of course, because in this extraordinary post you'll experience a full range of human emotions. In this paragraph, laughter. Feel free to snort.

The next paragraph will bring forth more tears, of sadness this time. Life is a rollercoaster, and the greatest blog entry of all time will take you along a ride of highs and lows. The painful story I recount here isn't meant to depress you, merely to connect with your emotions as a human being. This is really a tender moment, which is fortunate for you that it's in writing so that you can stop to go get a tissue. Love, loss, love again, and then loss again. This is really touching.

The greatest entry of all time doesn't go right back to gut-busting laughter though. I smooth out the ride with a bit of observational humor that brings a smile to your face. You might chuckle a bit as you recognize a bit of yourself or someone you know. You can't help it but you even pass off a bit of the greatest entry of all time as your own to your friends later that day. Unfortunately, your friends soon hear about the greatest entry of all time from other sources (MSNBC? Fox News? C-SPAN? I merely speculate) and call you on it, but nobody's mad because the greatest entry of all time is good stuff.

Following that is a really sexy bit. If you're reading the greatest entry ever written at work you're really nervous and at the same time glad that there aren't pictures or illustrations. It's a little strange and foreign but you're definitely intrigued and can't stop reading. This part should probably come with a parental warning, but the last thing anyone wants to be reminded of with this hot, kinky, slightly depraved part is their parents. This paragraph also introduces a phrase with which you're not familiar and fortunately there's a link to the Urban Dictionary so you can look it up. The greatest entry of all time arouses you, but in a family-friendly way just in case the kids are reading over your shoulder.

The grand finale to the greatest entry of all time is, of course, hilarious. And seriously, words don't do justice as to how funny the finale is. The funniest part of the greatest entry of all time is something that only my demented mind could invent, and the sheer ridiculousness of it is matched only by the depth of detail. The first time you read it, you're not sure you got all of it, because you were laughing so hard that you had to get up from the computer, clear the tears from your eyes, and/or get some fresh air. The next time, and each time after that, you see something new, some double-meaning. The greatest entry in the history of ever makes you laugh, it makes you cry. It's much better than Cats. You bookmark it and read it again and again.


At 2:11 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

With props to JB & KG.

At 5:43 AM, Blogger Esther said...

wow! The greatest entry ever! ;)

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Kristin said...

I laughted, I cried, I snorted. Happy 300th!

At 6:47 PM, Blogger lucidkim said...

i recognized a bit of myself in this post. :) i just didn't know you were going to share that sexy story with *everyone* - I thought it was a private moment we shared...but it was so well-written, I'm not even upset. Just anxious for a repeat performance. wink wink :)


At 9:36 PM, Blogger Inanna said...

Absolutely, the best tinyhands!! Bravo! Bravo!

At 11:45 PM, Blogger Jammie J. said...

And this here, right here, it's the best comment ever written. You'll recognize it, of course, because... well, it has all punctuation marks on the keyboard right here:

I don't think the rest of them would be considered punctuation, do you?

Ummm, oh right, back to you. Congrats on being wordy enough to write 300 posts at 11:59. :)

At 7:22 AM, Blogger Badaunt said...

Is this a metablogentry, requiring metacomments?

This comment will congratulate you on your 300th blog entry, and thank you for the laughs and the tender moments.


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