Thursday, March 16, 2006

Anxiety:Anxiousness as Love:_____

I get nervous because I anticipate. I Hope. I want it to be there so much that it makes me sick to my stomach. More than mere butterflies. (Normally I'd suggest something along the lines of Mothra, but that would be confusing Heterocera for Rhopalocera, and I get enough complaints about being obscure and confusing. I'm sure you appreciate the distinction among Lepidoptera.) Although it seems like my entire happiness rests on that one outcome, let me assure you that it doesn't. I just allow myself to get completely wrapped up in the moment. More often, the impending moment(s).

I'm not specifically trying to be a Buddhist, there are just things about that practice that I like. On the other hand, I'm still faithfully observing the Catholic tradition of Lenten abstinence. I think people who know me get confused about some of these things, such as practicing two different religions (albeit badly in both cases) simultaneously. One of the other things the confused often ask me is, "So you're really into Asian chicks, huh?" I'm not really sure how to clarify that for people, other than by explaining that it's not so much that they're Asian, as that they're women. But I'm off on bit of a tangent...

I can't seem to stop wanting, be they people, places, or things.

Things are getting easier for me. Not wanting them, that is. I don't know, maybe it's my mid-life crisis/realization kicking in, that I'll never be the richest this or the most-well-off that. And I'm okay with that. Places are tough. There are places I want to be. To be there, not just visit. More than snap a couple of pictures, make a travel video, and bore the pants off of everyone who visits. (Whatever it takes to get you out of those pants though...)

People is a tough one for me too, but it's getting easier. Another sign of maturity perhaps, the realization that my happiness doesn't depend on anyone else and the comfort with which I'm alone. But I do want someone in my life. More importantly, I want her to want me in her life as well. I want to be wanted, I need to be needed. That isn't currently the case. She doesn't anticipate my arrival. She doesn't entice or otherwise allure. So we'll have a talk. Sooner, rather than later, since it's the right thing to do. Not saying would be the easy way out, but the longer I wait the more likely I am to screw something else up. I'll find a nice way to say, "It's not going to happen because I won't settle for you." I sometimes laugh to myself that I'd say, "It's not me, it's you. I want a piece of artwork, but you're just a piece of work." But it's just a laugh inside my head. And I'm not that guy.

9 Comments:

At 5:56 AM, Blogger Esther said...

sooner than later is always better, unless you want to say "I always wanted to get married and settle down, until I met you" ;)

 
At 8:40 AM, Blogger kcterrilynn said...

There's nothing wrong with being honest. If it's not there, it's not there.

Although, I will admit, "I want a piece of artwork and you're just a piece of work" made me laugh. Wish I had thought of that when I was breaking up with my ex-boyfriend. Asshat. Him, not you...you're perfectly delightful. :)

 
At 10:02 AM, Blogger Mike said...

I think I know "that guy". Trust me, he's a dick.

 
At 7:27 PM, Blogger lucidkim said...

what did you give up for lent?

 
At 2:40 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Ahh, 3sth3r r3turn3th. Yes, sooner it is.

KCTL- The laugh was what I was after.

ikeMay- It's fun to play "that guy" in my head though.

Kim- Did I mention I was a pretty bad Catholic?

 
At 2:01 AM, Blogger Jammie J. said...

Okay, the laugh is what you're after?

" (Whatever it takes to get you out of those pants though...)"

That made me laugh. I love your little subscripts. :)

 
At 8:27 AM, Blogger Brighton said...

Honesty is the best policy, and that guy is a jerk.
You are not that guy, even if you do his dialouge in your head...

 
At 10:11 AM, Blogger The Tart said...

Very curious stuff in here... do have a little CUPPA like Mike? What is your story... do ya know Mike?

Hmmmmmmm, must explore your bloggy?? Will handle with CARE.

SMooch,
The Tart

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

J: Actual conversation with me is much more annoying due to the asides. No pecker today, thank goodness.

Bright-one: Right, I'm not a jerk, I just think like one. ;)

Jody: Howdy. I only know ikeMay online, and since I don't like "the coffee" I'm sure his is bigger.

 

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