Monday, December 06, 2004


I really wish I had a funny story for you, but I literally haven't been outside my home in a couple of days. I had lunch with my ex- and I went to Home Depot, but neither of those stories has the slightest comedic potential. By the way, I don't think many of my stories are funny when I go to type them in. I see potential in some situations, so I'm able to punch them up a bit as I type. But 'lunch with my ex-' and 'Home Depot' don't hold much promise. So, nothing funny today.

Instead I'll tell you why I wrote the story about Missy the other day. It could have been a lot longer, had I filled-in details like the conversation I overheard between the 3 hot girls as to which one was going to give me the pity-fuck. My motivation for writing that story was not to make you think I'm a great guy for loving a wife who left him. It wasn't to make the guys envy me for getting drunk with 3 hot girls and watching porn. I really wanted to lead into when I learned to appreciate women.

ap·pre·ci·ate [Late Latin appretire, appretit-, to appraise. See appraise.]

  1. To recognize the quality, significance, or magnitude of
  2. To be fully aware of or sensitive to; realize
  3. To be thankful or show gratitude for
  4. To admire greatly; value
  5. To raise in value or price, especially over time

[Aside: Let's throw out #5 right now- that'll just get us in trouble, especially considering my recent joke about buying a Russian Bride...or was it a joke?]

I think if you were to ask 100 men what it means to appreciate a woman, 90 of them would give you a definition most like #3. 6 might give you a definition like #4 and 3 would say something along the lines of #1. Those answers aren't wrong per se, because it's a good thing to be thankful for, admire, and recognize the quality of a woman. But there's something special about #2. Maybe I'm being generous to say that 1 in 100 would say something along those lines. Maybe I'm being overly cynical. And I'm not trying to toot my own horn [aside: because we already know how much self-aggrandizing behaviour seriously irks me] but I think I'm the kind of guy who can honestly say "I'm aware of or sensitive to women." More qualifying: I don't mean 'sensitive' with respect to feelings. It's a strange awareness and maybe I can't describe it to you.

But I remember very clearly having lunch with my wife, after she left me the first time/before the divorce, and I sat across the table from her absolutely transfixed with the shape of her face. A lightbulb had gone on and I've never looked at a woman (any woman, all women) the same. I notice the subtlety of the curve around the top of the jawbone, the point of the chin. The smoothness of a woman's skin, freckles, dimples. Eyelids. Maybe if I had been listening to what she was saying [aside: I wasn't] things might have worked out differently. Whatever. Two years ago I would have been one of the 90 I mentioned above. Now, I'm hyper-sensitive to what makes a woman beautiful. I used to play around with an online dating site, and one of them had (has?) a quiz where you look at different facial features and give your preferences. [aside: It's not a pass-fail kind of quiz, unless you're married and you pick the opposite of your spouse] I don't know how scientific it is, but WOW! It really gave me something to think about.

Long-story long: If I could teach you how to appreciate, to be fully aware of or sensitive to the man or woman in your life, it would be a Christmas present you'd never forget.


At 1:06 AM, Blogger Heather said...

The man in my life...The man...In my life...So you mean my Daddy? "Cuz he's about all I got right now.

Speaking of Daddy, this one usually works on him...

::approaches the object of persuasion cautiously::..."Mr. Tinyhands?" ::gains attention:: "Mr. Tinyhands, can I please please please have my old nickname back?" ::sits on object of persuasion's lap, places arms around his neck, and smiles sweetly:: "Pretty please with sugar and whipped cream and a cherry on top? I could even throw in a little chocolate syrup...Please?"

If you say no, this will be the ending of the story: "But...But..." ::sigh::...::pout, sniffle, tear::..."Okay, fine."...::sigh::...(Exit)

If you say yes, this will be the ending: ::gasp:: "Really?! Oh, thank you, Mr. Tinyhands, thank you!" ::dazzling smile and a quick kiss on the cheek::...(Exit with a bounce in step)

It's like on of those "You Pick the Adventure" books. I sure hope you choose the right ending.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger se7en said...

I think that appreciation is underrated as a word, to me it's more like an emotion when applied to certain aspects of our lives. As in how you may feel towards a lover or girlfriend, family member or best friend. To say that you appreciate your job or your health takes on a different meaning for the same word, not exactly emotional.
Maybe not a funny post, but insightful and interesting, gave me something to think about, so thanks.

(also, I live in a suburb of New Orleans and I am not sure what a Central Grocery is?) To answer your comment on my blog.

At 1:07 PM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

how is it possible that you're still single. i don't understand it.

At 1:28 PM, Blogger amy said...

wow. my heart skipped a beat. there ARE nice guys out there. thanks for the kind blog on chicks. you're really okay!

At 1:47 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

MaybeBonnie Heather- Umm, that whole "who's your daddy thing" kinda creeps me out.

7- Oh, the word 'appreciate' itself definitely depends on the context. I just hope you're able to apply the right context when the time comes. [Central Grocery is somewhere around Decatur & St. Philip and serves THE muffaletta. You mentioned shopping in the Quarter and that's about the only place in the Quarter I ever go when I'm in town. I've got family in Slidell, so I pass through roughly once a year, unless it's Thanksgiving weekend.]

Allie- Tiny hands.

Inky- It goes both ways...just appreciate your lover.

At 1:51 PM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

tiny schminy. if in real life - you're as sweet as you seem - the people in texas have a gem they're ignoring - maybe you should start to travel and see if you're appreciated elsewhere.

At 2:14 PM, Blogger Zelda said...

If I weren't married... ;-P

At 5:17 PM, Blogger Heather said...

Eww. It wasn't a sexual reference. I was actually placing you in the father-figure position. Technically, if you had started really early, you'd be old enough to be my dad. Again, eww.

At 5:59 PM, Blogger April said...

If you could figure out how to teach this, then you could write a book about it, and be a millionaire (I'd buy a few copies for some guys I know). That you'd be funny, sensitive and RICH! Holy crap, that's like the Holy Trinity of Guys.

At 9:40 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Allie- Maybe I'll post about the girl I met in China.

Z- If you weren't married, you'd be miserable. You have a great life with Jethro and two beautiful daughters. Talk about "meant to be".

Quasi-Bonnie Heather- Let's never speak of this again.

April- Alas that's me, a day late & a dollar short.

At 12:39 AM, Blogger Heather said...

I put a picture up on my blog.

At 6:54 PM, Blogger emily said...

Hey, "Tiny"~
You're right on with your synopsis of men's views. Only thing is, not all of'em appreciate us.

My man seems to have 1-5. Lucky woman am I these days. Oh - I knew I'd have to leave NAmerica to find a guy for me...have known for years. How about a trip on the Trans-Siberian railway for you?

At 6:58 PM, Blogger The Tart said...

Bread crumb... where is the site with facial structure prefs?

; )


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