Tuesday, November 30, 2004

I ain't no damn good

I just wrote a whole paragraph about the homeless that wasn't terribly funny so I erased it and started over with this. What really bugs me is that the homeless aren't funny, not that I couldn't write something funny about them. Something I read over at another blog (Seven) made me think of the homeless today. I don't generally give money to the homeless, since I'm one of them except that I have a home. That is to say, I'm unemployed, a little scruffy, and possibly dangerous. I don't think I smell too bad at the moment, so I've got that going for me. I guess I should have written that as my Thanksgiving entry- "I'm thankful that I showered earlier and put on fresh flannel jammies." I'm spending a lot of time in my flannel jammies lately. Hef doesn't have TOO many years left, so I'm practicing for when they need a replacement. His thing is silk pajamas, so I'm going with flannel and calling them jammies. But I digress. The homeless around here aren't very creative with their signs, which might be part of the reason why they're homeless. I really don't want to play the blame game, but if they were a little more creative with their signs they could probably get work as Flash designers or something. Most of the signs are something to the effect of, "Homeless vet - God Bless You." BORING! I saw one guy the other day with a sign that read something like "I only need 67 more cents for a six-pack." Obviously going for honesty, but a little creative I thought. The best all-time homeless sign I've ever seen was in Austin, fall of 1990. A guy sitting huddled on the sidewalk with a sign at his feet that read, "Can you help me find where I left my spaceship?" Again, going for honesty because parking near campus is truly horrific. If I were ever homeless I think my sign would read, "I know the lottery numbers but can't afford the ticket." I think that's the perfect message to send- I just need this one dollar and then I got it from there. What would your sign read?

I want to give a shout-out to everyone reading this, especially those of you who have just recently found me. I totally get off on any and all praise and I am reading your blogs everyday as well. As my pawpaw (God rest his soul) used to say, "You've got to give blog to get blog." I'm sometimes tempted to futz with the template, add haloscan or blogroll, any of that nonsense. I'd really rather concentrate on the writing, so please don't be offended if you've linked to me and you don't see a linkback. I intentionally disabled anonymous comments so that I, and the other readers, can stalk you back to your own blog. MAYBE someday I'll dedicate a post to all the blogs I read, but I'm not promising. Also, don't be offended if I haven't added some funny comment to your latest post- I'm either reading the whole thing from the beginning and haven't gotten to today yet or I'm just waiting for the perfect zinger, dick joke, or flirt to make my presence known. It should be creepy enough to know that I'm watching you too.


At 1:20 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Umm...I really need you to give me hope that someday I'll meet a potential mate who's made it out of his perverted adolescent phase. Any chance I might find someone (preferably under 25) who fits that description? I'm only asking because you're the only "man" (because everyone under 25 is a "guy") I ever talk to. You know what the future holds as far as male mental processes and maturing.

PS This is in response to the final comment on your last post.

At 7:30 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

heather honey - i'm 34 ( for now ) and have dated men up to and including age 47 - they NEVER get past the adolescent boy phase ... after a while it becomes part of their charm ... the ability to be a grown ass man - and a little kid at the same time.


7. the best sign i've ever seen ( sidebar - this was the first time i saw it - i've seen it LOTS since then ) was when i was working in midtown atlanta - and right off the exit for 14th street there was a guy with a sign that said "why lie, i need a beer" .... yup - he got a buck from me ... cause this is a feeling i know WELL.

At 9:55 AM, Blogger Mike said...

My sign would say:

"Liberal guilt assuaged: $1.00"

At 10:58 AM, Blogger amy said...

First off, never apologize for making fun of anyone or anything. Including the homeless. I found myself at my cousin's funeral (who I adored dearly) but still found myself making fun of stuff at the funeral! And I've been harmlessly making fun of everything in life for 37 years and counting. Still had to chuckle a bit on your blog posting. We have clever homeless here in nowheresville, South Dakota that like to plant themselves in between WAL MART and WENDY's...they always seem to have dog with them covered in a nice soft blanket.... I'm always curious, as a graphic designer myself, how they can afford those really thick markers to use on their very clean cardboard signs. I mean, I barely can buy a Sharpie... let alone one of them mammoth sized big ass markers to make those large wonderfully composed signs for all of us to read and drive on by. Still...something to think about today. Thanks. I have also included you on my blog website...as an AMUSING YET MINDLESS BLOG to enjoy. I met that guy Seven recently thru blogging...online...crazy world blogging is. Take care man.... have an amazing day. inky

At 11:22 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

And I think you should make a black teddy and a garter belt your thing (a la Rocky Horror Picture Show). Just kidding.

My homeless sign would be one word: "Yes." Concise, yet positive. Does it make any sense? Not a bit.

At 2:51 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Bonnie Heather- I really hope the future of your successful relationships with men doesn't depend on me. As Allie said, we never really grow out of it. Further complicating matters is that no two guys are going to grow into the same man. I can say that part of it depends on how you grow from girl to woman. Hang in there, and date older men (say, 33 or so, just to be safe) for the next 8 years or so.

Mike- I'm not so sure that guilt is worth a whole buck in this country anymore.

Inky- Whatever...what about your sign? ;)

Z- I don't have anywhere near the dangly-bits to do it justice, especially in this cold weather!

At 6:04 PM, Blogger se7en said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 6:16 PM, Blogger se7en said...

acckk I just found out what that little symbol under your comment does, it deletes it without confirmation! here's a repeat: I would probably just be honest and say something like "money is good..." not very creative, but it's all i got.
btw thank inky for being kind enough to leave a comment on my blog which led me to her blog and then here to tinyhands then to everyone's blog listed above by peeking at comments which brings everything in to an everwidening full circle. hehe weeee
As far as putting links up, i'm a tinkerer at heart and can't help but fiddle with the html and I have to arrest my neurotic urges to redo the whole damn thing everday lol

At 10:07 PM, Blogger amy said...

My sign would read:

"If you buy me a hamburger today, I will gladly pay you back on Tuesday."

Or er..something to that effect. Remember that wobbly guy on Popeye..he'd always ask Popeye or Bluto to buy him a hamburger and he'd pay them back on Tuesday....something stupid like that. Again I'd never plant my ass down on cold grass holding a damn cardboard sign. I'd have a dandy folding chair and a dry eraser board!


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