Sunday, November 21, 2004

I still don't know what mufatango means

I'm writing a Houston guide for Frommer's, my favorite guidebook company. They don't know about it yet, so we haven't discussed money. I'm betting on a HUGE payday plus residuals, so I went shopping today for bling. (aside: I must have gone to the wrong Target, because I didn't find much bling.) Here's a snippet from Chapter 2- Getting Around:

Getting around Houston requires the use of a car. While it's true that there is public transportation (including buses and a very unpopular train that kills people and smashes their cars) as well as taxis, Houston is such an enormous city that you're better served by having your own car. Unfortunately, Houston is where they make bad drivers (there are several big factories where raw sewage is processed into bad drivers) so be aware that driving in Houston is nevertheless a bad idea. The best advice is to rent a car at the airport and drive to a nearby sporting goods store (see map, appendix A) to buy a handgun and ammunition. Do not use the handgun on other people! (It is considered rude, and may be illegal if you're not rich and/or famous.) Shoot yourself in the face repeatedly, until the desire to drive a car in Houston subsides. Your insurance carrier will thank you.

In other news, it's the rainy season this year. It rains a lot here and, since it can't be predicted worth a damn, one of the local television stations adopted a mutt from the pound to distract us from the fact that they can't predict the weather. It's kinda like a street magician doing sleight-of-hand: Look over here while my partner secretly lifts your wallet. Even when it's not raining, it's so humid that the air actually molds. Think about that for a second- I don't mean an air filter, or the siding on your home, or even your patio furniture left outside. The air itself actually molds. Other interesting weather phenomena: It rained in my backyard for a full 30 minutes before starting to rain in my front yard.

(aside: I'm trying to not make this a habit, since it's very Springer and I don't approve of him, but...)
Final thought: If a blind man had ESP, would they still call it 6th sense?


At 12:23 AM, Blogger Jethro said...

Amen about the drivers here, dude. What's really sad are the rich drivers. People with money for some reason won't spend the money to have driving tutors even though they really need them. I have to say that although I'm not a perfect driver, at least my state of driving completely intoxicated is safer than most of the sober drivers here (Not that I've actually ever tried it...well, maybe once when I was younger). As for the weather, I've had relatives from out of state stand at my back door completely shocked to see sunshine and rain at the same time. It happens here.

At 12:33 AM, Blogger Heather said...

Did you really time the rain, or was that just a rough estimate?

I posted an entire blog entry just for you. Cherish it.

At 7:45 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

i think the driving is an epidemic problem period...'cause in atlanta it's just as bad - hey teeny, i have an idea - you come here and we can do a scientific comparison of the differences .... did that work, are you on your way here? good.

and yes.

and i think i cleaned up that other thing..

At 11:48 AM, Blogger Zelda said...

It would still be called a 6th sense because, while it isn't HIS 6th sense, it is A 6th sense. Make sense?

P.S. I have no sense of humor about these kinds of questions.

And Houston weather and traffic suck the big one.

And speaking of mold, I left my daughter's shoe outside. It is hard plastic, yet it is covered in mold. One day, I will own a home in the mountains where the sky is blue, and the air is clean, and the mold is minimal.

At 12:09 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Bonnie Heather- I was just guesstimating the rain.

#3ga- I can't go to Atlanta. The restraining order, remember?

Z- Whether it's funny or not isn't for me to say, but I literally JUST envisioned myself throwing out topics like Mike Meyers' Linda Richmond character: Discuss amongst yourselves.

At 12:24 PM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

i believe the court records will show that was a self induced restraining order ... you've got the free and clear to visit as far as the city is concerned.

At 12:27 PM, Blogger Zelda said...

As long as you don't become 'verklempt' (which means all choked up).

At 8:52 PM, Blogger Heather said...

I wasn't really humiliated, I just used that word for effect. I was more amused. Amused that anyone could think me an idiot.

As for desperate...It's not necessarily that I'm desperate. It's more that I'm picky and idealistic, and no one lives up to my standards. Although, when it comes to actually being in a relationship, I get attached quickly, I grow dependent, and I allow people to take advantage of my trust and loyalty. It never ends well.

Thus, the new plan hatches: I will marry Jesus and become a nun. A non-Catholic nun.


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