Monday, November 08, 2004

What time is it?

It's GO time. Talks with the rodents have collapsed and they have recalled their ambassador. Yes, the squirrels have declared war. The English Ivy hanging basket was the latest casualty, so the Tiny Security Counsel has unanimously ratified the opposing declaration. Rather than a long drawn out conventional war, I'm going nuclear right away. Using surveillance from the second floor of the stairwell, I've determined that tactical nukes will be deployed from both the garage side-door and around the air-conditioning unit creating a cross-fire at the patio bench. Statistically speaking I expect to lose one of the potted ficuses (aside: fici?) and one or both of the succulents. An acceptible level of losses. Both CNN and MSNBC have refused my offers to embed journalists, but the UN has sent monitoring inspectors and the Red Cross is standing by.

I just realized that I forgot to title Thursday's blog, so I've remedied that.

I also neglected to blog Friday, so here's what I would have written:
Friday night is Joan of Arcadia night at the Tinyhands household. I know it's a rather juvenile and overly-moralistic show, but it's either that or the hard-edged reporting of Dateline NBC (aside: because 8 Simple Rules is off the table, end of discussion). But what's really important is that Amber Tamblyn, the young star of the show, really needs to start doing nude scenes. On the show she's only 17, but in real life she's 21 and that makes it all ok. It's not that I find her overly attractive, although she's not bad to look at, but the show is definitely missing something that a little soft-core would cure. Aside from the fact that it wouldn't do one little bit of harm, it would do me personally quite a bit of good.

On a similar subject, although it's not going to work out with the woman I thought I really liked, it turns out there is a cute girl in my finance class after all. I'm not sure how I overlooked her, so maybe I should start each semester by going up to the podium as the classroom fills up to get a good look at everyone. Bringing my digital camera might be a little obvious, but I'm not ruling it out yet. In any case, the cutie-in-question is asian (aside: Japanese, if I had to guess, but I only scored a 7 at, so maybe I shouldn't guess) which I find exotic and I've never dated an asian. She sat next to me for the mid-term review a couple weeks ago, and although she has returned to her normal seat, I noticed a few furtive (aside: great word) glances last week and made some good eye-contact. My ex- was awarded custody of my mojo in the divorce, so I don't remotely have a plan of action. Sorry, it's not nearly as hot as Steverino or Jay but this is as good as it gets for me.


At 2:33 PM, Blogger TheSquirrelArmy said...

you know not with whom you mess my friend with the tiny hands.

we are organized, we have access to the internet, and we are now aware of your plan of attack. foolish foolish mortal.

game on.

no plant is safe.

we are willing to negotiate - but only until Midnight Wednesday November 10.

then sleep light and pray for your plants kind sir.

At 10:29 AM, Blogger TheSquirrelArmy said...

we, the SAA ( squirrel army of america - formerly known as the Squirrel Liberation Front, Local Chapter #3) do hereby take your slience as submission to us.

all plants and outdoor items are now within our jurisdicton.

be afraid.

At 11:59 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Bah! My silence is submission to my finance homework.

You don't really think you can scare me by running across my roof at 6:30am, do you? And you know nothing of my true plans or capabilities. The possums are my bitch (seriously possums, a little extra chicken left on the bones and I own you. What's up with that?) and the racoons have demonstrated their neutrality. I warned you to stick to the pecan tree, you little furry daemons.

At 12:19 PM, Blogger TheSquirrelArmy said...

we have been in talks with the racoons, chipmunks, medium sized birds, 1 deer, and a representative from the canadian goose union.

we are willing to negotiate with the following provisions. ( sidebar: do you think for one MOMENT we care about the possums?? )

1. a mix of fresh vaccume packed nuts available for us daily ( no more than 25% peanuts )

2. fresh water for drinking, bathing, and various watersports - you don't ask - we won't tell

3. one sacrificial ficus plant dedicated to our munchees.

and one dramatic reading of Ray Stevens' classic "the squirrel went beserk" complete with photos posted here.

what say you.

At 1:25 PM, Blogger Zelda said...

Sorry to interrupt your negotiations, but I just finished your entire blog and I feel like I probably know you. I mean, how many Catholics are there in Houston with a sense of humor? No point to this comment, just idle speculation.

At 9:51 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Here's what I say to that: I say I found the hole you little monsters chewed in my siding.

1. You can dig the brazil nuts out of the trash, cause nobody eats those anyway, but you crack 'em open yourself.

2. How about I set out a nice cool dish of green Kool-Aid? Nevermind that it looks like antifreeze, drink up.

3. We'll see what kind of appetite you have left after those two treats.

PS: The racoons have fleas and the deer has ticks. Enjoy your meetings! HAHAHAHA!!

At 10:03 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Z- You're too nice to me, so I know we haven't met, and that definitely rules out the possibility of being related. As for being a funny Catholic, the priests hate it when I ask for a 7 & 7 instead of wine.

At 12:19 AM, Blogger MustBeChicken said...

Wow, I only got 7, too... that is horrible. I swear I'm better than that. They picked some pretty nasty lookin' Asians! Hell, give me some Korean hotties and I'll tell you that they aren't Chinese... I mean, give me that many ugly, 80's inspired, White people and I'll tell you that they are all from Alabama. The test is flawed.


Post a Comment

<< Home