I have traffic issues
With apologies to Mr. Letterman, the Top 10 Things Overheard on Houston Roads:Last night was the Clay Aiken Christmas Special and I missed it. Thank you all for not reminding me, since I would have been devastated if I had to watch it.10) Stop signs? We don't need no steenkin' stop signs.
9) Gaa! What are all those stripes on the street?!
8) Like my new SUV? It gets 10 gallons to the mile.
7) Hey officer, you wanna kill those flashing lights? I'm drivin' here.
6) Houston: Come for the construction, stay for the potholes.
5) 98, 99, 100 feet. Stoplight.
4) "School Zone" doesn't apply if you're not in school anymore, right?
3) Dude...I'm soo high!
2) ¿Usted piensa cualquier persona notará que no entiendo las reglas del camino?And the Number 1 Thing Overheard on Houston Roads...
1) Can you hear me now? How about if I slow down?
Finally, I've picked out uniforms for all of us. Please order your size and have them for next week. We'll be taking a group photo for the holiday newsletter.
posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM
11 Comments:
You forgot "Oooohhh. An accident...We never see those in Houston. Let's slow down to get a better look."
a) What's wrong with my '80s cartoons? That was my decade, man...And Stewie is a great answer. I mean, c'mon...I should have at least had a sizeable lead over Bugs Bunny.
b) I actually wanted to watch the Clay Aiken special (I'm an American Idol fan; so sue me), but I was caroling at a nursing home. Maybe someday, when you're elderly, I'll come sing to you.
c)I will commit suicide before I grow old enough that I think something like that hideous sweater is even remotely attractive.
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Sorry, misspelles stuff.
Don't you dis Bugsy, man. He wipes the floor with Rainbow Brite (or is it Mr. Clean....)
Damn. I should have picked Mr. Clean, although it would have been a lie.
And Tiny, that really isn't my color. And I doubt I could squeeze one breast into a Girls PLUS. So unless you're angling for a slightly pornographic group picture...
ah the dreaded holiday sweater. i sometimes think i'm the one lone person in the world that hates those things. My best friend has one for every FUCKING holiday. Today on the phone we were talking about our plans for the weekend and outfits - she mentioned that she got a new holiday sweater and i made her renew her vow to shoot me in the FACE if she ever saw me wearing one - cause that would be proof that i had finally gone crazy - in the bad way.
Heyheyhey! I cry foul! Agnostics/ex-Jews should not have to wear Christmas-themed uniforms, despite what the Patriot Act says. Perhaps a nice grey sweater with question marks on it? That would be lovely.
Jeth- Do you have any idea how hard it is to stop at 10 when talking about things wrong with Houston roadways? Well, yeah you do. Sorry brotha, I share yer pain.
Bonnie Heather- I didn't say anything was wrong with them, I just thought it was brave of you to admit that you liked them. Sure, there's the implication, but I didn't actually say it. And popular opinion has it that I'm already elderly...I want my pudding!
Z- Well, if pornographic is my only choice, who am I to complain? Que sera sera.
Emily- So when I step off the plane in Seoul, do I turn left or right? Maybe you could send a car?
Allie- You wouldn't be that mad if you didn't already own at least one tacky holiday sweater. Come on, admit it...post that picture of you & Mike (the dog, not ogblay) in matching sweaters.
Mike- I am not having The Riddler mess up my group photo!
Mike. That sweater was made for agnostic exJews. :-)
how did you know about that ... have you been sneaking in my house again....
The only problem with the Tiara "Red Reindeer" Holiday Sweater is that the reindeer aren't actually wearing tiaras. Just kidding, I'm with Allie on the shoot-me-in-the-face requirement. Additionally, if you EVER see me in one of those crocheted ponchos, the same rule applies.
Bread crumb all around 4 all the great comments! What were the uniforms like?
; )
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