as told to (your name here)

Update

The Stray Chipmunk has evolved to a different part of the animal kingdom. I'm sorry to disappoint if you were expecting maybe a tiger in the bedroom, but the critter I had in mind was a rabbit. As in, a Bunny-Boiler. (see also: Clingon) She recently related to our mutual friend that she had met a guy online and sent him eight (8!) emails in a row. (Note to self: Mutual-friend is not being a good friend by withholding this information.) Unbeknownst to me, after I had The Talk with her, she also went back to our mutual friend to ask, "So what do you think he means by that?"

Let me assure you, my friends, that I was unambiguous.

Had I known that she didn't get the message, I definitely would not have default-dated her a couple of Fridays ago. We were supposed to meet up with some of her friends which, I remind you, is the only reason she hasn't been deleted from my phone. But shockingly </sarcasm> that never happened. Instead, she was pawing at me all night and when I dropped her off, kinda early I might add, she tried (I'll spare you the details) to get me to come up to her apartment. I politely declined and went home. That evening she sent me a text message stating that she knew just what I needed and that I should call her to find out. (Thus triggering the rant that preceded this entry.) As if I didn't know where that was headed, I did not call her. I didn't have to, because I knew she would call me, which she did the following night.

An excruciatingly long conversation followed, as she explained to me that what I really needed was a 'bad girl.' She was not dissuaded by me asking her to introduce me to one, instead explaining that perhaps I had already met one and didn't know it. I tried to make my point subtly, reasoning that if I had already met one, I wouldn't need one. Of course logic would not work with this girl, so I ended the call as quickly as I could. A few minutes later, you guessed it, I got a text from her, informing me that I had underestimated her. According to her, she can be quite wild in the bedroom and that I probably couldn't keep up with her. Now, I like a dare as much as the next guy, but I am not falling for that one. (Unless, of course, you double-dog dare me to stick my tongue to it.) I stuck to my principles, reminding her that I was not interested and did not want her to try to change my mind. After that, she blamed it all on me for "starting it."

Update to the update:
I'm never going to get to click publish on this story because it just keeps going and going. Get this- Crazy Chipmunk and I had other, semi-rational, telephone conversations in the past. She told me about a guy she was going to go out with who is the brother of the step-mother of a guy she was engaged to many years ago. That's right, she was dating her former-nearly-step-uncle-in-law. Only, she didn't want to, she was just being polite because she's still friends with the former-nearly-step-mother-in-law. Or whatever. Naturally, I told her that if she didn't want to, not to. She confided to me that she thought he was gay, being 49 years old and never having been married. But she couldn't get out of that first date because it was too late to back out. What surprised me is that she agreed to a second date. She said he was very nice and polite, but spent the whole first date name-dropping and trying just a bit too hard to impress her. Not to mention that she still thought he was gay.

According to mutual-friend, she is now calling him her "boyfriend." Not a friend who is a boy, but a steady-relationship boyfriend. W.T.F.

posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM