Wednesday, July 20, 2005

My first test

My first test as a reformed, non-materialistic, atypical Westerner came in my mailbox today. Right up front I'll tell you that I did not subscribe to this nor request a sample issue. I don't subscribe to any other magazines, so unless everyone on my block got one (or more likely everyone at school, thanks for selling my address AND increasing fees UH) it was some sort of karmic test designed to see how serious I am about becoming a better man...

Front cover. Click to enlarge.As far as I can tell, this is the front cover. My doubt will become apparent to you in a minute, but first things first. I've obscured the title of this masterpiece of journalism because although this was a free copy, they're not paying me to endorse this tripe. You can see a higher-resolution photo by clicking on the picture, but here's the highlights:
-The tag-line above the title: "The original buyer's guide for men."
-"Carmelo Anthony: 21 years old, $40 million in the palm of his hand"
-"Envy! The amazing chronicles of a strip club DJ"
-"437 ways to spiral into massive debt. All Exlusive! Exotic pets, sweet rides, malt liquor"
-"Sinsational! Jessica Alba gives it up"
-"Juiced Up. Meet the hustlers, dealmakers and sneaker pimps who buy, sell and make what you love"

Spine, for lack of a better word.

The spine (should you lack one) and my only clue as to which side goes up:
"Buy. Collect. Obsess."

Back cover. Click to enlarge.The back cover. Granted, it doesn't really matter which is the front and which is the back, but there's a table of contents inside BOTH covers and it's right-side up no matter which way you grab it. In the middle of the mag is a page that tells you you've reached the end of Part I (or Part II) and you need to flip the mag over and start again. Didn't MAD Magazine used to do this stuff? Well, it's aimed at about the same reading level. As you can see, the articles listed on the back are almost the same as the front, plus...
-"Reform school pinups"
-4 more ways to spiral into massive debt: "Fast cars, cheap thrills, fine wine, rich girls"

Ok, now I've had some pretty easy tests before. Let's face it, Grad school isn't the toughest thing you'll ever do (should you choose to) and UH, well... But this is an open-book test where they give you the answers and all you have to do is sign your name to it. The magazine is 96 pages in one direction and 84 pages in the other, but I'm really just taking their word for it. I've never understood magazine-page-numbering math, and I was only 3 hours short of a minor in mathematics. It's mostly ads featuring fantastically beautiful but empty people interspersed with valuable self-help information like mastering Texas Hold 'em Poker and styling tips for celebrity look-alikes (I kid you not). I'd put this magazine in the bathroom, but I'm afraid that would just get it dirty (the bathroom, obviously).

And in case you're wondering who created this user's guide to the seven deadly sins, you can thank Marc EckĊ, whose ghetto fabulous clothes can be seen on both the runway and "Cops".


At 1:39 AM, Blogger mellancollyeyes said...

i'm going to assume that the 437 ways to spiral into debt includes hookers and blow.

because, seriously, can anyone respect a magazine that doesn't include the staples in life?

now pass over that hot norweigan blonde with the crack, babe.

At 10:38 AM, Blogger Allie#3ga said...

you're good people there tex.

At 5:48 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Aide- Hookers & blow are free if you've got the right friends. Or the wrong friends, if you're really lucky. But hot nordic blondes don't interest me. :D

#3ga- Merci blahblah!

At 8:33 PM, Blogger evilsciencechick said...

are you obsessing yet?

I know I am!


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