Friday, July 11, 2008

A modest proposal

It's been a few weeks since the immigration debate has made headlines, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't keep talking about it. I've come up with an idea that I think will make a lot of people very happy, since on the one hand it keeps the Hispanics in Mexico (where some people believe they belong) and on the other hand we don't have to build an enormous wall (to which an equal number of people object).

For reference, here's a map of the United States as we now know it:


and as you can see in the map below, I've made a few minor changes:


Most notable is that I've redrawn the southern border such that we have ceded land back to Mexico. This includes the cities of Houston, San Antonio, Phoenix, San Diego, and much of the Los Angeles area. This won't come as much of a surprise to the residents of those cities, since they already have sizeable Hispanic populations.

As compensation to the millions of Americans (white, black, red, brown, AND yellow) who suddenly find themselves Mexican citizens (instant citizenship through a deal with the Calderón government) I propose that we also invade Canada and take over the best parts of Ontario and Quebec provinces, making Montreal and Toronto part of a new American state to be called tinyhandia (shown in maroon). Canada should keep Quebec because we'd just fuck it up, calling it KWA-beck (it's khe-BECK, people), and they should keep Ottowa since it's already their capital and, well... fuck Ottowa. I think we should also grab Vancouver, since I've heard it's beautiful and Americans should be able to go there without having to cross the border, change money, or endure the scrutiny of the locals who know we're going to steadfastly refuse to adopt dollar coins.

I know this is a somewhat radical idea, but this country was founded on radical ideas and I believe you gotta shake things up every once in a while. Also consider the economic stimulus effect on all the map and flag makers who are going to have to revise all their shit! Way better than a measley little $600 check.

8 Comments:

At 2:21 AM, Blogger Jammie J. said...

Yes, but then we have to take into consideration the whole oil debacle and the fact that there are rumblings in Oklahoma, maybe even in Texas, of secession from the Union. I mean, you know, they have oil (oh surely you've seen new oil wells going up) and the farmland... wouldn't that put a hole in the middle of your map?

 
At 8:21 AM, Blogger Beth said...

Yeah, and imagine all the money sign-makers will make because they now have to put up English signs in Mexico for all the former-American citizens. It's a win-win!

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

J- Nah, Texas won't need to secede once it sheds "deadweight" cities like Houston and San Antonio. It'll be a lean, mean state again.

badbeth- No, creo que los nuevos mexicanos tendrán que aprender español para integrarse en la sociedad moderna. Alternativamente, podemos usar nuestra iPhones a google español las palabras a traducir.

 
At 9:43 AM, Blogger Mike said...

What the hell. I'm in.

 
At 1:25 PM, Blogger Jack said...

Oh hell no.

 
At 8:06 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

ikeMay- I knew I could count on you to see the logic.

Jack- What have you got against invading Canada? Or maybe you think we should forfeit Las Vegas as well? I know I debated that with myself for several hours too. There would be something kinda cool and exotic about having to get your passport stamped by Elvis.

 
At 10:09 AM, Blogger mellancollyeyes said...

SOLD! Brilliant plan, TH. Running for pres soon?

 
At 9:51 AM, Blogger Inanna said...

LOL! Uh, no. I have a hard enough time making it Texas, and you want to turn into a foreign country? No way, Jose, but its nice to debate.

BTW, my safe word is also yellow, not to be confused with other people who have the same safe word. Its pretty universal in the BDSM community. You didn't hear that from me though.

 

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