Thursday, December 15, 2005

Backwards

Things are so messed up, I don't know where to begin. I should probably begin by pointing out how I wasn't planning on writing anything about myself anymore. Cryptic or not, that lasted all of a week.

I'm moving backwards. [Note: I originally wrote a whole bunch of stuff here, specific examples of all the material stuff I've lost and continue to lose, and there's a lot of it ... it sounded like whining so I deleted it in editing.] I'm trying not to complain or whine about things not going the way they should. I'm trying to be a better person. I really am. I don't get mad at traffic anymore, not that I enjoy it or anything demented, but I'm working on inner peace.

But I told a whopper of a lie to someone that I really care about. We don't talk anymore, so the fact that I lied probably doesn't matter. I'm a terrible liar though. I know most people see right through me and, like most men, I can't keep it all straight so under even the most basic scrutiny I fold and reveal all. But no, I'll probably get away with this one assuming my conscience doesn't get me first. Whatever stupid justification I had for doing it is bullshit. I'm better than that and I can be better tomorrow than I am today.

I don't have a dismount for this particular gymnastic routine so I'd like to, as I so often do, use someone else's words:
"What do you care what she thinks? It is all right to care whether you hurt her or not- just do your best, (if you insist) on trying not to- then if the fact is that you are O.K., don't bother to try to argue otherwise or try to get her to tell you you are wonderful. . . . Further, if you are selfish & look only to your physical pleasure- don't try to convince yourself otherwise- or rather- don't try to explain it to her or convince her otherwise."
-Feynman

7 Comments:

At 6:20 AM, Blogger Inanna said...

Well, I guess telling a lie is better than living one...

 
At 9:22 AM, Blogger kcterrilynn said...

Come clean, you'll feel better. Maybe not right away, but in the long run. Man, I hate that. :)

And how do you manage not to get mad in traffic anymore? I swear, at least once a day I fantasize about smacking some lame driver...

 
At 10:22 AM, Blogger me said...

every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around...

 
At 10:38 AM, Blogger Mike said...

I suspect that most of us read this blog to read about YOU.

 
At 11:27 AM, Blogger tinyhands said...

Nanner: What's the difference, other than a matter of degrees?

KCTL: That's a popular, and ultimately correct I'm afraid, opinion. Not getting mad at traffic takes conscious willpower. Unless you really do get out of your car to dole out a beatdown, getting mad only hurts you and it doesn't stop him from gridlocking or cutting you off. It's a cliché, but take a deep breath and visualize that not giving that idiot the thrashing he deserves is your Christmas present to him.

ブレベン: Even in my dreams, I'm an idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality.

ikeMay: That's the rub, isn't it? I want to share my life, without the pain of having to share my life.

 
At 7:12 PM, Blogger me said...

and i know sour, which allows me to appreciate the sweet.

 
At 7:20 PM, Blogger tinyhands said...

ブレベン: You will never know the exquisite pain of the guy who goes home alone.

 

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