Why the Yankees will never win the World Series
The number one question I've been asked, when stopped on the street by people to whom I do not recall ever previously being introduced, is: Where have you been for the past 5+ months?? This is often accompanied by the waiving of arms, honking of horns, and hand-signals that I heretofore believed were related to waiting until the last second to merge lanes on the freeway. After a few months of studying lip-reading, I am quite certain that they are fans of my blog and merely asking me to post an update. One such fan, despondent and desperate, may even have attempted suicide by slashing her knees, in an attempt at my attention.Now that the elections are over, I can resume semi-regular posting again. Yes, I was a candidate for Mayor of the City of Houston. Unfortunately I lost, but I only lost by less than 89,000 votes. (88,661, but who's counting?) In a city of over 4 million residents, I consider that a victory. Heck, even Bloomberg only beat his closest rival by 50,000 votes and that dude spent over $100M on his campaign. I bought myself some new penny loafers and a windbreaker at the outlet mall last weekend. The victory, however, is a symbolic one, as several security guards at City Hall reminded me over a breakfast of pepper spray with a side of taser. Nevertheless, I am honored to even be mentioned in the same paragraph (even if I'm the one writing it) as Mayor Bloomberg.
posted by tinyhands @ 11:59 PM
9 Comments:
As it so happens, I did actually attempt to slash my knees while walking up the stairs in the Disney and Friends parking structure. I had the unfortunate occassion to cut one of my knees open and a huge bruise to accompany it, although, oddly, it didn't harm my jeans at all. Now that's a mystery.
What's even more the mystery is how you knew about that?
Oh, and why didn't you win? God, I swear, the good ones never do. It's sooooo political. *eye roll*
J- After all these years of peering at you through binoculars, it never ceases to amaze me that you've never seen me. Or, at least you never turn around and wave. Kinda hurts my feelings.
I would have voted for you, but they won't let me vote in Houston anymore. Good to see you back and puckish as ever.
what? you ran for mayor? the fuck, hands??
YOU NEVER TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE.
also, you didn't do any grassroots campaigning like you should have. you should have had me on your team dude. i am a professional.
i suppose i should have paid more attention rather than just prowling around the voting booth for some liberal ass.
GoddamnitCrystalAnn- You're a professional-what?
i am a professional at everything.
are you still working at the same place? we should have lunch! i am flexible now!
as in work hours. i still can't touch my toes.
i am taking your silence as consent.
should we not expect another post until april '10?
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